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August 08, 2009
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Okay, anyone who has worked in retail and has had the misfortune of working in any environment where they have a "Senior's Day" promotion understands my aversion to the elderly. Firstly, they steal. Theives. Nasty, unrepentent...NO! I don't buy that they are merefly "forgetful" as I have watched them take an ENTIRE plate of complimentary cookies and dip it into one of the many purses they carry on a given day. I stood behind some old bitch who opened a bottle of vitamins and dumped the contents into her purse and I've been yelled at by elderly people whom I've caught stealing who pretend that they can't hear or understand me.  That's fine.  Those people who think that their "bubbies" "pa-pas" or "dum dums"are so cute, THEY should have to stay on the phone for an hour answering every imaginable question about paper shredders..TWICE!  It would be nice, just ONCE, if I could direct an elderly person to the washroom BEFORE they've already...you know.  
Anyway...I was at my Grandpa's house, which is the equivalent of being sent to some sort of perverse Hell where the only food is brown bread, ham/bologna and various cheese slices.  I had offered to pick up frozen pizza (dare I suggest eating out without getting a lecture on my liberal spending habits), and my Grandfather insisted that he and his "woman" go out to get this request.  They decided that Hawiian would be the choice.  So, I asked if he was buying frozen or actually going to a pizzeria...GASP!  He actually went to a pizzeria!  FINE.  I like Hawiian, but my seven year old only like plain cheese, so I get out my wallet and try to give him money to include a personal sized cheese pizza for my daughter.  "What is a "personal sized cheese pizza?"  Seriously.  He asks me more than once.  So, I actually explain that it's a smaller pizza, for one person, with just cheese on it.  He can't grasp it, he simply CAN'T GRASP IT!  So, I say that if that's too difficult, to just get a single cheese slice and OH MY GOD!  He can't BELIEVE that!  If I want to be so demanding then I need to write it down for him and he won't accept my money.  So, he leaves.  The phone rings ten minutes later and it's the woman asking me to explain what it is that I want.  She seems to grasp it.  Ten minutes later, phone rings again.  Yah!  She wants to know if my daughter just wants cheese or cheese and sauce because she has no idea what a cheese pizza is.  It's KILLING me at this point, I just want to pack up our shit and go.  A half an hour later, somehow, they make it home with a Hawiian and a personal sized plain cheese pizza.  Then, my Grandpa tries to give me money for the cheese pizza because he doesn't believe me that he didn't take the money when he left.

Oi.

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