As the presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump is now turning his eye to his V.P. pick. Here are some of his top candidates for the job.


DONALD TRUMP
Myself

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“First choice. Without a doubt a great man, everyone agrees. The most honest, hard working, beautiful, cleanest man. And I should know, because he is myself. So impressive.“


GEORGE W BUSH
Former President

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“Fun guy. Winner. Won every single war he started. I don’t care what the war was, he won it and I like winners. And he could show me the best napping nooks in the White House. Incredible.”


MARTIN SCHKRELI
Pharmaceutical Executive

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“I think Martin had a great pricing strategy with the AIDS pills. Making money, making AIDS pills, what else can you ask of the guy? And he does hate AIDs, that’s the truth, deal with it. Also, he has a little weasel face and makes me look very good in comparison. Fantastic.”


CURT SCHILLING
Former MLB Player & ESPN Host

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“He’d look great in my baseball hat and he’s racist, sexist, and homophobic. This guy is the whole package.”


RACHEL DOLEZAL
Minority

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“Strong, beautiful, African-American woman. Not afraid to break barriers to get the job, She’s absolutely the type of minority I love–one that was born white.”


A GOLFER
Any Golfer

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“Golfers are great. They’re not afraid to hit, they’re outside a lot, which is healthy. They dress nice, they basically dress the nicest of all athletes. I don’t care what you say, Americans don’t dress nice enough anymore!


CECIL THE LION
Lion

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“Amazing creature, truly incredible–majestic, great head of hair, alpha male. Absolutely would be a great pick.”


DR. PALMER
Lion-Killing Dentist

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“Amazing strength–took down the majestic Cecil the Lion. Had the power and the brawn to do it, unbelievable, smart, fantastic, great guy.”


IVANKA TRUMP
My Daughter

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“Fantastic energy, great body, great legs, great shape, would definitely get other countries interested in having sex with her. Think it would be fantastic to have sex with her, think it would be fantastic for her to be my V.P. and have sex with her.”


THE GHOSTBUSTERS TRAILER
A YouTube Clip

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“Great trailer, perfect length, loved the editing. Great preview to the upcoming film, are that a bunch of broads in that trailer? Sure. I would be proud to serve with this youtube clip in the Oval Office.”


THE MICHELIN MAN
Illustrated, Fictional Spokesperson

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“Look, I know he’s a cartoon but I think he’s got an incredible look to him. Strong with huge tire muscles, he’s not the type of guy you can push around. He’s friendly too which is a bonus. Great pick.”


CHIP CRUMBS AT THE BOTTOM OF A BAG
Food

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“They’re delicious. Saltiest bite in the bag. Crunching in your teeth. And they come right out of the bag when you turn it upside down. It’s amazing. Absolutely would feel proud and enthusiastic to share my presidency with these guys.”


A REALLY BRIGHT LIGHT POINTED DIRECTLY AT YOUR EYES
An Inconvenient Circumstance

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“Bright, intimidating, annoying, physically painful. Perfect VP. Would be proud to stand next to a bright light pointed at your eyes for the next eight years. Who wouldn’t?“

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