Hi, I’m international pop superstar, Taylor Swift! You may have noticed over the past year or so that I’ve put a premium on my female friendships, using social media to share countless photos of myself with the band Haim, model Gigi Hadid, actor Hailee Steinfeld and a number of other young, beautiful, notable celebrity women. It’s really great to have such a huge platform to promote feminism and show young girls that they can support each other to be and do whatever they want!

Well, PSYCH! Turns out, I’m actually a tool of the entrenched white patriarchy that these carefully cultivated public friendships implicitly purport to fly in the face of!!!! Even though it looks like I’m promoting “Girl Power” and breaking down barriers, I’m actually instrumental in keeping the establishment in place!

Yep, turns out George H.W. Bush was right—my brand of “feminism” is reductive at best and detrimental at worst! Did you ever notice how me and all my “best friends” pretty much exactly conform to the standards of Western feminine beauty? More to the point, do you remember how insane it looked when Lena Dunham was photographed with me and my core squad? Man, “one of these things is not like the other,"right? Never saw that lil’ photo-op repeated again, did ya?

And you never, ever will! Sorry, Hannah Horvath—you don’t really physically fit in with the bill of goods I’m sellin’ to young women! But I still love ya, girlfriend! From a distance, of course!

But all of this is actually to say that I really, really want you to be "feminists,” too! Of course, only if you look like a supermodel with millions of dollars and can therefore be an accessory to my meticulously crafted public persona! By buying into my superficial faux-feminist message, you’ll think that you’re making progress, but in reality, you’re actually obsessing about your clothes and what you look like, probably to the point of having an eating disorder!

It’s pretty hard to smash the patriarchy when you’re starving all the time, right? And that’s exactly the point!

Need more proof? I mean, you MUST have noticed by now how I don’t really “get it” at all, right? That I’m constantly operating from a position of extreme, unexamined privilege? Remember how Nicki Minaj made a very valid point about institutionalized racism as it was manifested during the VMA nominations, and even though she never said a word about me,I MADE IT ALL ABOUT ME ANYWAY AND ACTUALLY CHASTISED HER FOR NOT BEING A FEMINIST?!??!

And how about when I kept petting the Weeknd’s hair? PETTING HIS FUCKING HAIR?! That’s like, fucked up, clueless, racist-ass white girl 101! How could you possibly expect that I have some sort of thought-out feminist philosophy if I don’t even know better than NOT to touch black people’s hair because I think it looks funny?

Sorry, ladies—I think it’s pretty clear that I’m only where I’m at ‘cause the patriarchy WANTS me here to help keep you bitches in line.

Now here’s where things get really fucked up—this article is actually being written by a WHITE MAN IN HIS MID-30s! Oh, man! It’s like a goddamn hall of mirrors in here! I mean, there are at least a few good points in here somewhere, aren’t there? But still, they’re coming straight from the belly of the beast, man! STRAIGHT FROM THE BELLY OF THE BEAST! Who do you even trust anymore? What’s up or down?

WHAT IS EVEN REAL, MAN.

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Ed. note: The author of this article shot himself in the face shortly after this article was published, thus nullifying 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the white male power structure and opening up a writing position for a minority or a woman on the new FOX hit Grandfathered, starring John Stamos.

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