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YOU NEWS, YOU LOSE - 2011

So here's the deal. For a few months this year I wrote a news-based blog chronicling silly and interesting news stories, and the silly and interesting (using that term loosely) people associated with them. 

You probably don't know this, even if you have read all my other stuff on this site. Because it didn't exactly take off. Maybe it was mis-promoted, maybe it was too long to read every day. 

Whatever the reason, I don't regret it. It happened for a reason. Because now I've decided to compile all the jokes (not all, but a good chunk of them) here for your reading pleasure as we shut the door on 2011, and embrace 2012 with appropriately platonic loving arms. 

This also sorts of acts as a writing sample, for anyone interested - I'm madly in love with TV, and in 2012 I would certainly love to take that affair further. Platonically. My contact information is on my profile. Wink wink, nudge nudge? (Why did I do that. I've long come to terms with the fact that's creepy when done in person, and doesn't translate when written down) 

Haters gonna hate, but thankfully this article is long enough I trust nobody will bother to scroll all the way to the bottom to do something hateful if they don't enjoy reading it. Hate platonically. 

Goodbye, 2011! Behold the idiocy that was you! 

 

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Bashar Assad, the President of Syria, made protesting illegal this week after a series of uprisings in the Middle East. Although, apparently he doesn’t understand the definition of the word “protest”. 

 

An 102-year-old woman who works for the state of Nebraska finally retired this week, reportedly to spend more time with her bladder. 

 

Baseball star Lenny Dykstra was released from prison on bail this week thanks to Charlie Sheen offering up the money. Though odds are, if you’re in league with Charlie Sheen,  owe money to Charlie Sheen, but you’re not Charlie Sheen, you’re going back to jail. 

 

Tiger Woods said Tuesday he will miss the Wells Fargo Championship next weekend because of a minor knee injury. While Tiger may regret it, somewhere a white woman is very, very happy he finally got down and did it.

 

It’s predicted that it is going to rain on Friday, the day of the Royal Wedding, but the family doesn’t mind as showers on your wedding day are supposed to be a good omen.

You know who else doesn’t mind? Pervy British dudes who want to see through Kate’s white dress. 

 

A New Jersey town has begun regulating when chickens and roosters can mate, reportedly because the birds can be very noisy while doing so.

If only they could the same for New Jersey humans. 

 

Cirque de Soleil is set to premiere a new show in Las Vegas themed around the work of Michael Jackson.

Apparently against Michael Jackson’s last wishes, as everyone in Las Vegas is over 21. 

 

A historical plaque was stolen from the house in Cleveland where Superman was created in the early 1930s.

Police aren’t sure if it was Lex Luthor, or just a regular skinhead. 

 

BP Oil expects to return to drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, despite last year’s disaster which was the biggest off-shore spill in U.S. history. 

You know the old saying: If it ain’t broke, break it, then don’t fix it.

 

Los Angeles Dodgers infielder Casey Blake was hospitalized Tuesday night with “some kind of infection” on his elbow.

Leave to a baseball player to find out how to get an STD in the elbow. 

 

Sony Playstation users were outraged this week when a massive data hack at the company allowed gamers’ public information to be accessible by anyone.

Although, if you’re affected by this news, we already know your relationship status. 

 

Turkish police were alarmed when they disguised themselves as doctors to see how many citizens would fall for a confidence scam and discovered 86 out of 100 people immediately swallowed pills given to them without knowing what they were.

So, if you’re now trying to cure an addiction, it’s best to quit cold, Turkey. 

 

A fan of Avril Lavigne has launched an online campaign to try and get himself a date with the singer. 

He says it’s always been his life dream to have a crappy song written about him.

 

After recently hiring a large number of applicants worldwide, McDonald’s has seen its employees rush to its defence in recent weeks. Many claim that fast food is not always a low-paying, dead-end job,  but rather it can offer some people a real career.

This statement was then followed by, “So, what're you doing later?"

 

A rare two-headed tortoise has a new gig predicting the outcomes of games in the World Hockey Championships.

Although, her boyfriend was kinda hoping she would do that thing this weekend...twice.

 

Columbian drug producers have taken to using submarines to smuggle shipments of cocaine.

This story will be described in detail in the upcoming movie, “20,000 Sheens Under the Sea”. 

 

Tallulah Willis, the 17-year-old daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, was nabbed by the police with alcohol this weekend. She said that she just wanted to try a bit of what caused her parents to name her Tallulah. 

 

Well, nicer weather outside means the beginning of spring cleaning for many Americans.

But as far as taking out the trash goes, this May we have to give that ribbon to the Navy Seals.                        

 

Despite the fact that Osama Bin Laden has been announced dead it is expected that a new tape of his will surface in the coming days. It is sure to be the Disney sequel of terrorist tapes.

 

May the 4th be with you! Today marks National Star Wars Day. Celebrations are being planning on celebrating with movie marathons, costume contests, and other things that don’t involve having sex.

 

In 1977 when “Star Wars” was released it was the biggest movie in the world and changed the face of cinema forever. In 2011, Tyler Perry is planning the release of “Madea Force Be Witchoo”. 

 

The NBA Kings are planning on staying in Sacramento, NOT moving to Anaheim. The reason given was that the owners didn’t want their franchise to be screwed up by Emilio Estevez. 

 

The number of U.S. households with a TV is expected to decline for the first time in 20 years, as is the number of TVs in hotel rooms occupied by Charlie Sheen.

 

Two women in California, ages 65 and 72, were arrested on allegations of growing hundreds of marijuana plants in their homes. Police aroused suspicion when their grandchildren wanted to visit. 

 

Native Americans are asking President Obama apologize for using the code name Geronimo in reference to Bin Laden as it was the name of a leader of an Apache tribe. Also requesting an apology is anyone who has ever done a cannonball into their pool.

In related news, John Smith, you are an asshole. 

 

The French Football Federation has begun an inquiry into claims that national coach Laurent Blancwas secretly restricting the number of black players allowed.

He said he’d rather have his sports team full of people who can’t play well. 

 

A middle school teacher in Washington State says he has not once shaved in the nearly ten years since 9/11, vowing not to do so until justice was served.

He currently ranks second on the list of “Bearded Men We Want Photographical Proof Of”. 

 

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels has said he is considering a run for President as a Republican in 2012, and has gone on record saying he thinks he can beat Obama, but he doesn’t want to overstate it.

Sorry, Mr. Daniels, but you JUST OVERSTATED IT. 

Does Obama have a fear of the unknown? Because this guy is really, really, unknown. 

 

Today, the  Microsoft corporation bought Skype.

However, some investors were sceptical that Microsoft users...have anybody to talk to. 

Not to be outdone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs bought the alphabet. 

 

A man in Chicago has been arrested for stealing a bag of liquid nacho cheese.

Perhaps going to jail for that wouldn’t be the worst thing, because if you steal nacho cheese, you probably don’t have sex very often. 

 

This week, Florida legislature passed the “Droopy Drawers” act which allows public schools to punish students wearing saggy pants that show off their underwear. The new law has been met with much criticism as some parents are claiming that it is racist.

I don’t know if that’s true or not, but “DROOPY DRAWERS” is definitely the whitest way to say it. 

 

U.S. inflation just hit the highest level in two years. The inflation is highest among food prices, energy prices, and blow-up dolls.

 

Today, NBC cancelled “Law and Order: Los Angeles” when they realized that the title was a complete oxymoron. 

 

Apple will soon be introducing an iPhone app that allows you to order a prostitute.

The only downside is as soon as soon as you get around to ordering her, a way better prostitute suddenly becomes available. 

 

Scientists in England claim they have isolated the gene that causes obesity, so yes, you do look fat with those genes. 

 

This past weekend more than 100 men  competed in Norway at an international championship for moustache and beard growth.

The competition was a lot less fierce this year because the Navy Seals got him. 

 

A new Internet sensation called “planking” has emerged in the past couple weeks.

“Planking” is indeed the term that they are going with, so sorry to steal your thunder, pirate porn. 

 

Madonna, Tom Hanks, Will Smith and Jerry Seinfeld were among those invited to the taping of Oprah Winfrey’s final show, which makes me think more than anything she booked it in the late 90s. 

 

A man was arrested in New Mexico for attempting to smuggle 350 pounds of bologna across the border.

Here’s a tip: If you end up in jail, and get asked what you’re in for, DON’T SAY “PACKING MEAT”. 

 

The President received a bit of attention for mistakenly signing the guestbook at Westminster Abbey “May 24, 2008”.

But to be fair, an “Obama ‘08” autograph is much, much more valuable. 

 

Tiger Woods said this week that despite a minor knee injury that forced him to withdraw from The Players Championship, he is looking forward to participating in the U.S. Open.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t talking about golf. 

 

A jail complex in New Dehli is rehabilitating narcotics abusers by giving them cooking classes.

Although as soon as they find out you can put drugs INSIDE brownies, it’s back to square one.

 

Huguette M. Clark, the heiress to a large mining fortune has died at the age of 104.

In all seriousness, Ms. Hughes was a humble old lady who never lived a day of wrongdoing in her life.

Although...she did occasionally cavort with miners.

 

A man in South California called police after he found a cougar living his garage. 

Mostly out of disappointment it was a real cougar and not slang. 

 

The judge who sentenced O.J. Simpson to prison plans to take over for Nancy Grace on the syndicated television show "Swift Justice."

Well, if the glove fits. Although, I think “Swift Justice” is just far too ironic a title. 

 

Critics are saying of politician Anthony Weiner, would-be Mayor of New York, that this Twitter scandal could be his “Watergate”.

Let’s just hope that this time around, we don’t have to deal with anyone named “Deep Throat”.

 

Canadian researchers are developing a drug which they say can potentially erase bad memories and the negative emotions associated with them.

Such as, you know, taking drugs. 

 

A Craigslist ad for a home in North Bend, Washington highlights the fact that the house touts 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, and a great greenhouse for growing marijuana.

I hear it’s a great area for the kids to grow-op. 

 

This week, the nutritional “Food Pyramid” was replaced by a new circular graph called “My Plate”.

Wow, this war on Egypt is going pretty far. 

 

An electronics importer in Los Angeles is having $1 million worth of property seized for shipping “fake karaoke machines”.

They do realize that karaoke is just fake singing, right? 

 

On a related note, President Obama’s economic advisor Austan Goolsbee has stepped down, so he can fulfill his lifelong dream of opening a cracked-out haunted house that serves fried hot dogs. 

 

Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife Brooke Mueller have reached an agreement for custody of their twin sons.

She’ll get them during the week and he’ll get them in alternate dimensions and extraterrestrial realms. 

 

One of the emails released from Sarah Palin’s days as Governor of Alaska shows that Palin predicted she would be nominated for the Vice President ticket in 2008 months before she actually was, giving her the new nickname “Nostra-dumbass”. 

 

A hoax photo circulated the Internet this week that showed a McDonald’s ad asking African-American customers for an extra $1.50 per purchase “as an insurance measure due in part to recent string of robberies”.

Meanwhile, fat white guys pay whatever McDonald’s tells them to. 

 

Denise Richards, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife has said she will be writing a tell-all about her marriage to the star. 

But it's kind  of hard to write a revealing book about somebody who already brags about the bad stuff. 

 

A man in England who discovered a wart on his finger decided to shoot it off using a rifle.

This was NOT what his wife meant when she told him she wanted a finger-bang.

 

A woman in Pennsylvania is on trial for animal cruelty after selling cat jewellery on line.

That is NOT what her boyfriend thought she meant when she said she was piercing her kitty.

 

Google’s new image search feature received criticism this week after it mistakenly identified photos of President Barack Obama as George W. Bush.

All this time, users of “Bing” thought they were the same person, and users of “Yahoo” thought the president was Reagan. 

 

To pay for founder Julian Assange’s legal bills, Wikileaks is auctioning off a chance to go on a date with Assange.

Be warned ladies, he is the type who kisses and tells. 

 

A new study suggests that “whining” is the worst sound in the world, and also the most distracting sound you can possibly hear while trying to accomplish a task.

However, this study is inconclusive as nobody has ever heard Louie Anderson climax. 

 

Katie Holmes has said that she thinks her daughter Suri Cruise will take after her parents and become an actress.

Although, if she’s taking after her parents, she’ll probably just “pass” for an actress.

 

A Chinese man was arrested after somebody recognized him as a murder suspect while competing on a popular game show.

In related news, is this why Alex Trebek shaved his mustache?

 

Mila Kunis has agreed to go on a date with a U.S. Marine to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball.

This story will be told in the upcoming film, “Friends with No Benefits Because They Were Slashed By the Bush Administration”. 

 

An Iraqi man who bears a striking resemblance to Saddam Hussein says he has been the target of gangs who keep trying to kidnap him to star in their pornographic movies.

The kidnappers said it was always a dream of theirs to have the real Saddam Hussein star in a porno because he was really good at staying in holes. 

 

A new economics book called “Erotic Capital” says that if women want to make money in the workplace, the shouldn’t be afraid to use their sex appeal to get ahead.

Meanwhile, I have been writing the same thing for years on the wall at Applebee’s. 

 

The CEO of Yahoo, Carol Bartz, made the announcement this week that she was shocked to find out she had been fired via a phone call.

Seriously, a phone call? Just further proof that Yahoo mail is obsolete.  

 

A woman in Florida was charged with battery after biting another woman in the neck.                                                  The woman tried to justify her actions by claiming she was a vampire.

I think you must be a pretty stupid vampire to choose to live in the SUNSHINE state.

 

Six Flags was caught under fire earlier this week when they told a woman they had rescued her dog from a hot, only to tell her moments later that they had lost him. The woman is looking to sue, but Six Flags is retaliating by saying “We didn’t say he’s gone, we just want you to try and win him back”. 

 

Megan Fox told the press recently that she can’t wait to be a mom, and I for one, can’t wait for her to be a MILF. 

 

A man in Berlin dressed as Santa Claus was arrested after he drugged a teenage girl in an attempt to have sex with her. 

It's unknown why he didn't just use mistletoe like everybody else. 

 

Charlie Sheen was forced to deactivate his cellphone after accidentally posting his number on Twitter to over 5 million followers. 

What amazes me is that after all that cocaine, Sheen can still remember 9 digits. 

 

Lady Gaga says that she's set to become an ordained minister. 

It's all part of her plan to find new ways to accurately piss off religious fanatics. 

 

The Dutch government has said they're cracking down on the sale of marijuana and hasish in Amsterdam, despite the fact the selling of these has long led to the country's flourishing tourism. 

So I hope fraternity brothers like windmills and clogs! 

 

A woman in Philadelphia, the wife of a doctor, was arrested for performing eight illegal abortions. 

Police were left speculating what a woman was doing outside of the kitchen. 

It turns out that she was only "amateur choice". 

 

Arizona Sheriff Joe Ariapo has been accused of violating the civil rights of Latino citizens and racially profiling those who are living in his state. 

Ariapo said he was just dreaming of a white Christmas. 

 

@TheMichaelLake

 

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