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August 30, 2010

SPOILER ALERT: Snooki might get married and the tabloids are ruining the best show on TV.

I opened up the paper today to find some disturbing news. Just kidding, newspapers aren't real. Let me rephrase: I accidentally clicked a link today on a website that I probably didn't mean to go to and found some disturbing news:

Snooki's man-friend is proposing to her. I didn't even know she had a man-friend. Last I heard, she was just getting over Emilio, who not only cheated on her, but upon being given a second chance, felt betrayed when she hung out with a gay couple and threw a tantrum - hey, that's life as a homophobe. Anyway, how did I know her relationship status? Because I tuned into a television program called Jersey Shore, or what it's become -- "The Situation Cooks Dinner for his Italian Friends."

So as you can imagine, when I saw the following, I felt the story should come with some sort of "spoiler alert."

There are many things wrong here. The obvious is that we live in a country where a previously unknown guy named Jeff Miranda can be on the cover of what apparently is a real magazine simply for being the boyfriend of someone who got punched in the face. But I've come to accept that. People like stories about topless men they've never heard of proposing to someone they shouldn't know of. That's America. And I love America.

(Also, side note: Dear Steppin' Out Magazine. You are a magazine. Yet you have buttons to click on for Facebook, Twitter, and even MySpace. Don't do that. --Sincerely, Dan)

But what really bothers me is that this is just one of many recent spoilers of the following season of Jersey Shore. First there was Snooki getting arrested for beer bongs and public pickling, then Ronnie getting arrested for popping pills parking tickets. Now this. What's next, an investigation that reveals that Angelina isn't the worst? No!!!!!

Unless these are actually just teases for next season, this must stop. (That said, I would LOVE to see the episode where the other cast members find out The Situation is making 5 million dollars a year while they're just Vinnie.) Granted, they're real-life celebrities who are bound to be caught up in the tabloids. But the reason we love them is we treat them like fictional characters. The same way we would sitcom characters. And we wouldn't read about Niles Crane throwing a tantrum at his local coffee house. That wouldn't happen. Not the Niles Crane I know.

So media outlets, I implore you: Stop reporting on the goings on of Jersey Shore cast members. This is a show I, and many others, watch regularly. So unless the breaking news is "Ronnie and Sammi continue to the be the most boring fucking couple of all time," which anybody who's anybody already knows, let's hold off on it.

Unless it comes with a Spoiler Alert.