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May 28, 2009


Nicolas Cage: Ridiculous Actor or Most Ridiculous Actor?

Oh, Nicolas. What happened, man? What is this? Is this what being an actor means to you? You’re a Coppola for God’s sake. The fact that you changed your name from Coppola to Cage to honor a comic book character should have been the first sign you would one day exit the freeway of life to permanently inhabit Crazytown, population You and a wig collection elaborate enough to make Dolly Parton jealous.

You’d think someone who has worked with Martin Scorsese, David Lynch, the Coen brothers, and Spike Jonze and was once so Method he ate a real live cockroach in Vampire’s Kiss, would not, in the afternoon of his career be making movies like Bangkok Dangerous and Ghost Rider: 2. It’s not that Cage has made so many more bad movies than plenty of other actors of his generation, it is the way he has thrown himself, full force, into a giant heap of meaningless commercial crap without respite, like Scarface into a pile of cocaine.

But you have been good, Nicolas. I’m sure you’ve still got it in you if you really look for it. Get rid of the wigs or the weave or whatever that thing on your head is and accept the baldness, turn down the crazy, and make a movie about a guy who somehow manages to live his life without saving the world through totally rad precognition or super sweet fast car driving. You won an Oscar, not a Marisa Tomei fluke Oscar, a real one for a real movie. You can do it again if you just get it together.

On the other hand, you did name your son Kal-el and you did once say, “I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther,” so who knows, maybe in your Elvis-addled mind you are making masterpieces.

I mean, heat-seeking panther? Is that an animal or a weapon?