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Published December 26, 2011

Another Hanukkah is coming to an end.  But what exactly is the story of Hanukkah?  Everyone knows the tale of Judah the Maccabee winning a war, but what people don't know is that story is 100% false.  I know the true story of Hanukkah, which has for centuries remained untold, until just now.

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Derrick waited in line at the local mall. His feet shook with anticipation. He had never met Santa before. For hours he waited, and now he was only a few steps away from the one, the only, Santa Claus.

"Next!" Shouted the elf who ran the line. 

This was it. Santa. Derrick was finally about to meet him. He walked nervously up to the man in red and took a seat on his lap."Hi Santa," Derrick whispered, too nervous to make eye contact. "My name is Derrick. And what I would like Christmas, more than anything else, is a Nintendo Wii.

"Derrick how old are you?" asked Santa.

"F-Four........ty-three."

Santa's jolly demeanor turned to anger.

"Then why the hell are you sitting on my lap? This suit is hot as hell and you must weigh almost two hundred pounds. Are you trying to make an ass out of me?"

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"But S-Santa. I thought you gave presents to everyone."

Santa lowered his voice so only Derrick could hear.

"Look man, I gotta make a living just like you do. I've been here for six hours and can barely feel my lap. Last thing I need is for your ass to be sitting on it. This suit chafes my balls and all I wanna do, more than anything, is get back to my piece-of-shit studio apartment and go to sleep. But chld-support doesn't pay itself so I gotta deal with a bunch of punk ass kids who still think Santa's real."

"You're not real?"

"Man, can you please just get off my lap?"

Derrick lifted himself off of Santa's lap as tears filled his eyes. It was all a sham. A mere trick for consumer spending. Derrick couldn't take it anymore. He ran into the bathroom, walked into the stall, and wept.

"Yo Dawg," said a young man outside the stall. "I saw what happened to you out there and I think that kinda shit is terrible."

"Go away!" Screamed Derrick.

"Dawg I remember the first day I found out Santa wasn't real. I still get chills thinking about it. But instead of feelin' all depressed I started workin' on a new holiday. One thats better than Christmas ever could be.

"Derrick opened the door and looked at the man. He must have been only 28.

"A-a new holiday?"

"Yea dawg, one that lasts longer, is more environmentally friendly, and doesn't have a bunch of gay-ass songs about it."

"What did you say your name was?"

"Lil P."

"My-my names Derrick. Can you tell me more bout this holiday?"

"Sure dawg. Hey listen, I'm hungy, it's gettin late. How bout me and you grab a bite to eat. My treat. We can talk about my new holiday."

"That sounds great."

So Derrick and Lil P made the short walk and grabbed a table at Foo Ling Chinese.

"I don't know why, but ever since I started celebrating this new holiday I've always eaten Chinese food on Christmas."

Derrick didn't hear a word Lil P said. All he was thinking about was this new holiday.

"Lil P, I didn't hear a word you just said. All I have been thinking about is this new holiday. Tell me more."

"Well dawg. Heres what happens. First of all, it lasts eight nights."

"Eight nights! Do you get presents?"

"Shit man you get all kinds of presents! Eight nights worth of presents. You actually get more every day."

Derrick's eyes lit up. He liked the sound of this new holiday already.

"What about candy-canes? Are there candy-canes!?"

"Nah man no candy canes."

The smile on Derrick's face turned to a frown. He liked candy canes.

"But I like candy canes."

"Dawg, forget the candy canes! What I got in mind is something all kinds of better. It's 100% pure imported milk chocolate. I call it, gelt."

Derrick was ecstatic. The only thing he loved more than candy canes was 100% pure imported milk chocolate.

"What about games. Are there games?"

"Helz yea mothafucka! All kinds of games. Derrick lemme ask you this. Do you like spinning tops?"

"Do I ever?"

"Do you like gambling?"

"Yes Lil P."

"Then I got the prefect shit for you. It's called Dradle."

And with that Lil P pulled a wooden dradle out of his pocket.

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"Woww," said Derrick. It was even better then he had imagined.

"You see Derrick. You got four motha-fuckin drawings'. One gives you everything. One gives you half. One gives you nuthin'. And the last one takes two away from you! The odds are always in your favor!"

"When!?" Shouted Derrick, now standing on his feet. When does this holiday occur?"

"Who fuckin knows!" Shouted Lil P. "It happens at all kinda random intervals. Sometimes it starts the same day as Christmas, sometimes its the week after Thanksgiving. It always comes on a different day each year!"

"But what about songs. Do we have to listen to those stupid songs?"

"Yea but they're all in a different language so you cant understand that shit anyway."

"What about danger? Will it quench my thirst for danger?"

"Does eight fuckin' fire lit candles sound dangerous to you?"

"Hell yea mothafucka!"

"Then what are we waiting for? The moon is full baby! It's the 25th day of Kislev! Lets do this shit!"

Derrick got up, excited for this new holiday."Wait, Lil P, what do you call this new holiday?"

"I call it, Hanukkah."

"Hanukkah? That's a mouthful. How do you spell that?"

"You can spell it any fuckin way you want to! You can spell it with a Ch, two Ks, three Ns, Fuck, you can even spell it with an X for all I care. All that matters is that we celebrate it harder than anyone has ever celebrated anything before. Are you with me?"

"Oh yea!"

"Then lets grab some hash browns and get the fuck outta here!"

And with that, Derrick and Lil P left Foo Ling Chinese and set off to light the first ever Hanukkah candle, play dradel, and sing songs that no one could understand. It was the best Hanukkah ever.

The End

 

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