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December 23, 2015

Here are some of the things that go through my head when I get a call from an unknown number.

  • My college‚Äôs alumni association is asking for money. Do not answer.
  • Someone has stolen my identity and the bank is calling to notify me. Do not answer.
  • An old friend from high school I ran into recently is calling to follow up on my promise to grab a drink and catch up. Do not answer.
  • That person who gave me a weird look on the subway is calling to say that he is in fact stalking me, and has been for some time. Do not answer.
  • Something about jury duty maybe? Do not answer.
  • A doctor I have never visited is calling to tell me that I am very, very sick. Do not answer.
  • I accidentally committed insider trading while trying to explain the stock market to my cousin. Do not answer.
  • Two weeks ago I dropped a bottle cap and did not want to pick it up because the sidewalk is dirty. Someone tripped on the bottle cap and badly injured their back. A private investigator has tracked me down, and I am being taken to court for reckless endangerment. Also for littering. Do not answer.
  • Everyone I know has died. Do not answer.