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July 24, 2008


I wanted to take this opportunity to speak to FunnyOrDie about a blight on our community.  There is a substance out on the streets that is taking college campuses by storm, that is now all the rage among hip college students.  A recent study shows that 9 out of 10 people between the ages of 18 and 24 have put this white devil-drug into their systems at least once, and 2 out of 5 consider themselves "regular users."

I am of course, talking about tofu.

First, I'd like to address the confusion products like tofurkey and vegetariantestines cause.  I, like many others, go to the local *insert local grocery store* looking for a bag of intestines to boil and eat plain (they're like jerky!), only to be fooled by the "Vegetarian Intestines" for sale there.  I think to myself "Oh, vegetarian intestines!  I know that vegetarians like to keep their intestines SUPER clean, so a vegetarian's intestines must be high quality indeed!"

But Nay!  Not only are the intestines not from a vegetarian, not from a human, but they're not even made of real ANIMAL intestines!  They're made of tofu, the devil's candy!  That's false advertising, plain and simple.  Can't a man buy a bag of intestines ripped from the belly of an unsuspecting vegetarian without getting ripped off and fed curdled soy?

This injustice will not stand!

I am, as we speak, writing my congressman (I don't know his name or address, so I'm simply addressing it to "my congressman."  God bless the postal system) demanding that such products be taken off of the shelf, or at least correctly labeled "FOR vegetarians" so that normal people don't purchase and eat that poisonous, gelatinous goop.

Did I say poisonous?  Well I meant it!  Recent studies

have linked tofu with that "old-people forgetting things" disease.  I don't remember what it's called; probably because I ate tofu!*

Forget where your keys are?  Try eating real deli meat.  Keep missing appointments because they just "slipped your mind"?  They probably slipped on all the tofu you've been choking down.  Can't even remember your own name?  This might take drastic measures...  try having a steak.

In addition, men who eat tofu are committing sperm genocide! Hey, vegetarians, instead of eating tofu, why not just have someone kick you in the testicles a few times?  At least you'll actually remember it later.

I am starting a campaign of public service announcements against tofu.  The slogan will be "Have a heart.  It's delicious, and you'll remember eating it.  Also, if you are male you will be able to impregnate women."

The slogan's a work in progress.

I know, this will cause a stir among vegetarians, vegans, and several other varieties of skinny people, but I feel this issue must be addressed!


-Fat Dude

*I never actually ate tofu.  That was for dramatic effect.