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March 16, 2012

Forget those lame survival guides. They don't have shit on having fun after the apocalypse.

When people think about the post-apocalyptic world, they always think of the worst scenario. Sure the majority of the human population would be wiped out, yeah you would be exposed to the same massive amounts of deadly radiation Ukrainians are constantly being bombarded by, and yes you would have to hide at night to avoid being devoured by mutated nocturnal chimpanzees. Big Deal!  Stop thinking like a pessimist and begin to think like an optimist! People fail to realize all the cool things one can do when there are no rules! Here is a list that shows some of the things people can do for fun when their survival is not at stake after the apocalypse.

  1. Have fun with monuments: Haven’t you ever wanted to sit in the Oval Office at the White House and light a blunt in the president’s chair? Haven’t you ever wanted to climb the Eiffel Tower hammered and parachute off? You can! There is no law or some asshole with common sense to tell you otherwise!  Go ahead and slide down the pyramids! Go draw a moustache on the Lincoln Memorial! Hell, surf in the reflecting pool at the Taj Mahal! Have a blast!
  2. Throw stuff off of tall buildings: Remember how you can’t throw a penny off the Empire State Building? Fuck that! There is no GED certified security guards preventing you from doing so. Go throw coins off, better yet, throw sacks of coins off the skyscraper. Why stop there? Pull your pants down and drop a nice deuce from the heavens to the irradiated ground below.
  3. Drive through buildings and crush cars: Ever wonder how a small chapel would fare against a speeding 18 wheeler? Here’s your chance in the post-apocalyptic world! Plow through small buildings and see how badass it is. If you have a buddy who also survived, race each other in sports cars within malls! See how many kiosks and stores you can smash through than your buddy. Find a monster truck and see how many cars you could crush in an airport parking lot! Lots of fun!
  4. Take as many drugs your heart desires: Are you a junkie who is fed up with jail time and high prices? Here’s your chance! All law enforcement would cease to exist and your drug dealers would be all dead! Raid the empty police stations! Take back what they confiscated from you! Raid your dead drug dealer’s home! Get all their drugs for free! Pill poppers; don’t forget about the thousands of empty pharmacies ripe for the picking.
  5. Hang out with zoo animals: There is no one watching the zoos when the world is over. Why not climb into the exhibits and have fun! Go ride a hippo into the empty city streets! Collect precious ivory from elephants! Grab a snake and twirl it around like a lasso! Go into an orangutan’s habitat and punch the damn thing’s face! If you also want to expand your taste buds, why not try giraffe, rhino, ostrich, spider monkey, or armadillo? Hell, see how they all taste!
  6.  Fish to the extreme: Tired of using a lame fishing rod? No one will be watching you, so try out some cool weapons! Raid a gun shop or a museum! Go fishing with a huge sub-machine attached to your boat or dual wield magnums to blast away pesky dolphins. Every clubbed a manatee with a medieval mace? Here is your chance! Go even farther! Grab a bazooka and see how many whale bits can fly into the air!

These are only some of the fun things I can think of to make the post-apocalyptic world fun. If you can think of other awesome things to do, fantastic! So don’t be a negative Nancy, make the best out of the shittiest situation possible! Just make sure you are alive after the end of the world to actually do these things.