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Published July 22, 2012

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(Los Angeles) – During an heroic siege on the Tiki X-Rated Theatre in Hollywood, patrons were bravely rescued from an elderly actor’s genitals which had kept them captive for over 4 minutes.

 In the early hours of July 19, SWAT Teams backed up by 4-dozen armed LAPD members surrounded the theatre where an elderly actor was reportedly keeping pornographic film connoisseurs captive with his penis.

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On command from President Barack Obama, they pumped tear gas into the theatre before descending on the scene, wrestling the offending organ from the actor’s right hand and forcefully pulling up his pants.

Two civilians were shot in the raid, a tactical error that LA Police Chief Charlie Beck calls “collateral damage. A small price to pay to keep men in porno theatres from seeing other men masturbating in porno theatres.”

The actor is believed to have appeared in film and television and is beloved by almost everybody who has seen him with his pants on.

Announcing the success of the operation, President Barack Obama said; “I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that stopped an old actor from pleasuring himself in a room that projects 15 foot images of people having sex.”

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“Even though it’s a very small affair, we feel it’s only right to make sure major media outlets are aware of the elderly actor’s embarrassing actions so that people can judge him. With any luck he’ll lose a lot of work over this.”

Said President Obama; “This was a flawless mission, and you have the thanks of a grateful nation. Truly, these brave men and women were the best in show.“

See Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

 

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