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Published September 15, 2011
     Is it the intention of department stores to recall images of animal testing by having their saleswomen in the makeup department dress up in lab-coats?  Not even stylish lab-coats either, just plain old, boring ones.  You’d think that in a fancy atmosphere like at a Macy’s or Nordstrom’s, with rich clientele walking around they’d want some smartly dressed, chic employees.  They’re not just wearing drab clothing though, they have on a type of coat, selling a product that is well known to be tested on monkeys or rabbits or whatever animal can simulate a middle-aged lady trying to look pretty.  For those PETA fans that might be reading this, to be fair, I’m pretty sure most makeup is now tested on poor people or college students. 

    Below, I would like to present a little sketch...

Tom:  Hey Jim.
Jim:  Tom, how’s it going, bro?  Are you guys still planning on heading over to the quad to toss around the frisbee after class?
Tom:  Are you wearing blush?
Jim:  (wiping at his cheek) Oh yeah, I am actually.  I got this new gig testing out some cosmetics at this lab.
Tom:  Well huh.  Does it pay well?
Jim:  Nah, but they do have a pretty nice rope swing.

    Now here’s a sketch that might make you sad about cosmetics being tested on animals...

Scientist #1:  It seems that fluffy is starting to break out a little around her eyeballs from product 1b43.
Scientist #2:  (scribbling in his notes)  Yeah, she is not liking that at all.  Good thing she’s strapped down or she would be all over the place.
Scientist #1:  Haha, yeah, good thing.
Scientist #3:  Hey Scientist #1, it seems like you and #2 have this pretty well covered, mind if I take off early tonight?  Haven’t seen much of the wife lately, thought I would take her out on the town tonight.
Scientist #1:  Go ahead #3, we should have it covered. 

    That was truly an ugly scene.  Why do they need so many scientists on call at the same time?  While it is sad that animals are often times tested on, let’s see how the scene would read if Jim from earlier on were to take Fluffy’s spot....

Scientist #1:  It seems that Jim is starting to break out a little around his eyeballs from product 1b43.
Scientist #2:  (scribbling in his notes)  Yeah, he is not liking that at all.  Good thing he’s strapped down or he would be all over the place.
Scientist #1:  Haha, yeah, good thing.
Jim:  That mascara looks nice, but yeah, I’m not going to lie I can feel quite a burn around my eye.  Also, these straps are pretty tight.  If I promise not to itch my eye can I take them off?
Scientist #2:  Sorry Jim, the straps gotta stay. 
Scientist #3:  Hey Scientist #1, it seems like you and #2 have this pretty well covered, mind if I take off early tonight?  Haven’t seen much of the wife lately, thought I would take her out on the town tonight.
Scientist #1:  Go ahead #3, we should have it covered.
Jim:  I certainly wouldn’t mind at all, #3.  Where are you two lovebirds going out to? 
Scientist #3:  She has been bugging me about that new Italian place over by where Circuit City used to be.  I’m not a huge Italian fan, but I figured we could check that place out and then maybe catch a movie.
Jim:  That sounds great.  Tell her that I’ll try to get her back that new Coldplay album I borrowed sometime later on in the week.
Scientist #3:  Thanks for reminding me!  I knew there was something I was supposed to ask you about.  She doesn’t need it back or anything because she already has it imported on he ipod, but yeah, she was just wondering about it.
Jim:  Cool cool.  Well have a great time.

    That Jim sure seems like a nice guy.  Some might question his music taste, but I think it’s obvious that he gets a lot out of life.  Sometimes a little too much, in fact.  What are those chemicals doing to his sensitive eyes?  I think he might have to stay back from frisbee if he’s having trouble seeing.  Especially since the class they were talking about was a night class that gets out somewhere between 9:30 and 10:00 pm.  That’s what college life is all about though, making mistakes and trying to fit as much in the day as possible.  It really isn’t very sensible to be tossing around the frisbee that late at night though whether you have stinging eyes or not.  Do you feel better having a trusting college student be tested on than an animal? 

    Finally, what if there wasn’t any make-up testing at all?  Since the public is so up in arms over how the products are developed, it is entirely possible that they disappear altogether.  Let’s see how that date goes if Scientist #3’s wife doesn’t have her precious cosmetics...

Scientist #3:  (silently driving) So, um, I figured that I’d take you to that new Italian place you keep talking about.  I think the lighting is pretty dim there.
Scientist #3’s wife:  (obviously upset) Why don’t you take me to any bright places anymore?!  I feel like you are trying to hide me away!
Scientist #3:  Don’t be ridiculous.  (he glances over in her direction but quickly averts his gaze.)  I just love driving through this college campus, it reminds me of my old days studying at Lab U. 
Scientist #3’s wife:  (pointing towards a group of students tossing around a frisbee) How can those kids even see what they’re doing out there, let alone be throwing a frisbee like that.
Scientist #3: Hm, it is pretty dark out there isn’t it (he thinks silently for a moment and then drives the car towards the frisbee game).  This might be a perfect spot for our date.
Scientist #3’s wife: We are just pulling over here because it’s so dark aren’t you?
Scientist #3:  You totally get me, babe.
Scientist #3’s wife:  And I always will, I always will (leans over to kiss him as he squirms away from her). 

    Who wants to live in a world without cosmetics?  Anyone that’s against cosmetics testing, that’s who.  Next time you walk through Macy’s try to keep in mind that the women you see dressed as “evil-animal-torturers” are just honoring the men and women that turn the dangerous, burny chemicals that mice and rabbits hate into essentially a beauty mask to cover up your wife’s face when you go out in public. 
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