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October 10, 2011

I wrote this letter not because I was forced to do so. But it was suggested.

To the offended coworkers it may concern,

As per instructions, I would like to apologize whole-heartedly for my behavior at the Safety Party. There’s nothing I can do to take away the things I did and said. All I can do is try to take it one day at a time without repeating any of my actions of the evening. I want to apologize specifically for the following: 1. Gaining a following among others who disrupted at the meeting just like I did. 2. For calling the Mandatory Safety Meeting a “Safety Party” at the beginning of this letter. 3. For signing the attendance sheet 12 times under my name (doubling the mark I’d set last year) and once as Justin Hurt. And for marking out the names of several coworkers to sign my name in their spot. 4. For dressing up as Justin Hurt, deposed safety officer and healthy lifestyles coordinator. 5. For taking the chairs of coworkers when they got up to use the restroom and folding them up on the floor. 6. For swatting a mini candy bar out of the air after it was thrown to me when I answered a quiz question correctly. 7. For yelling “Don’t throw things!” after the speaker threw a mini candy bar to someone who’d gotten a question correctly. 8. For raising my hand at the beginning of a presentation to ask “Will there be time at the end of the presentation to ask questions?” and then not having a follow-up question to that. 9. For pretending I was watching the last game of the NBA Finals throughout the meeting. 10. For clapping at several inappropriate times. 11. For leaving the meeting with 9 Subway sandwiches. 12. For placing a sign on the beverage table that read “Do Not Take: Water is for Mother’s Day Pamper Party." 13. For previously stealing the signs off the aforementioned water when it was in the back office and stealing most of the water bottles as well. 14. For being proud of everything I did at the Mandatory Safety Meeting. 15. For my lack of remorse. Not just about the meeting. In general. 16. For trying to start several different chants amongst the crowd that had nothing to do with the meeting. 17. For doing all these things gleefully. 18. For bringing two bags of very expired fl’awful chips and mixing them in with the party chips. 19 For using company time to write this letter. 20. For refusing to fill out the YMCA People Bingo activity during the meeting. 21. For finding the bingo sheet in my floorboard and then using the next two days at work to fill it out. Successfully. 22. For preparing for everything I was going to do at this meeting for the last month. 23. For only wanting to sit by the cool kids during the meeting. 24. For successfully sitting by the cool kids during the meeting. 25. For the considerable amount of wandering I did, both while presenters were presenting, and while speakers were speaking. 26. For refusing to sit quietly or keep my hands to myself. 27. For creating this list, which presents my misdeeds together, thus making them more impressive. 28. For laying face down on the floor in the gymnasium at one point during a presentation. I forgot I’d done that. 29. For whipping out an Arsenio Hall-style “root root” arm movement at another point. 30. Whenever handouts were passed my way, I would quickly put them all in my backpack. I left with SO many handouts. '

Please take consolation in the fact that I have to live with the burden of what I did at the mandatory safety meeting for the rest of my life. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize for my behavior at any future meetings, safety or unsafe.

Remorsefully yours forever,

Dan'l New'll

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The John Awad Memorial YMCA