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June 28, 2017

It's almost as if this might have something to do with the vote on the healthcare bill getting delayed?

from: mmcconnell@ussenate.gov
bcc: [GOP friends]
date: June, 27, 2017 at 11:40 PM
subject: You’re Invited To Uncle Mitch’s Rockin’ Summer Party!

Okay everyone. I, Mitch McConnell, would like to cordially invite you to a party at my house this week. This is my first time throwing a party of my own. Usually I just stand outside of Barack Obama’s parties and block the caterers from getting in. But I figure I’m a fun guy, why not use my personal charm to host a party of my own? So I’ve cooked up the perfect summer party that is guaranteed to please everyone.

Uncle Mitch’s Rockin’ Summer Party for America.
What? Snacks! Drinks!* And I represent Kentucky so you know there will be some barbecue.** (Barbecue? I’m so folksy. I’m the kind of guy you could grab a beer with.)

Who? All are welcome. There is a small cover. (Only those who opted in to attending the party would have to pay.) And anyone who makes over 6 figures would get the cover charge waived. Because you know we want those baller rich folks at our party!
Did I mention I’m one of the richest senators currently serving? I was always rich, but then my current wife and I inherited lots more money from her folks! Isn’t money great?

Will there be games? We’re going to have a piñata at the party! It’s full of nothing because children should not expect anything for free. If their parents want to put something inside of it, I will give them a small block grant for the purchase of candy. But if the grant maxes out, I am not ultimately responsible. So get there early.

When? Come at 8 for food and drinks. (Because as the party goes on there will be less snacks, less drinks, and a small percentage of you will be asked to leave, unable to get access to the party at all.) But before all the fun stuff goes away we will do our next vote for “greatest party host” which I, of course, hope to win.

*There is a charge for all non-soft drinks.
**Barbecue sauce is free but only after you’ve reached your deductible of barbecue-related expenses.

from: mmcconnell@ussenate.gov
bcc: [GOP friends]
date: June, 27, 2017 at 11:40 PM
subject: Uncle Mitch’s Rockin’ Summer Party NOW POSTPONED!

Hi friends. Unfortunately I will be forced to postpone Uncle Mitch’s Rockin’ Summer Party for America. I heartily apologize to those of you who could make it. I’m sure you’re as disappointed as I am. But there have already been several cancellations and now we do not have enough people for a party. So say goodbye to fun times and an empty piñata. I hope you are happy.

By “you” I mean you, Susan Collins of Maine. Don’t expect to be invited to one of my parties again until the next one. I hope you don’t get too cold up there in Maine because you’re not going to be warmed by the famously glowing personality and warmth of ole Mitchy.

I’m pretty bummed that we won’t be having the party this week. But I guess I’ll have more time to pursue my favorite hobby of standing in the middle of the road and obstructing traffic.