Tonight ABC's "Dancing With The Stars" returns for a new season for guys to be forced to watch to keep their girlfriends quiet. The term "star" has probably never been used so loosely.
Here's a rundown of the cast:
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino
Let's be frank here: If the situation was born in the 1930's, before the invention of HGH or Ed Hardy, this fucking guy would be nothing more than a longshoreman wearing a knit cap and a flannel shirt with a Lucky Stripe cigarette hanging out of his mouth. His face looks like somebody beat a bag of smashed assholes with an ugly stick.
While fist pumping might cut it when you're pulling down steady 6's, to get 10's he's going to have to learn how to dance, and we all know what that means - NO MORE HOUSE MUSIC.
Odds to win: 50-1
Bristol "Baby Factory" Palin
Apart from squeezing out a couple pups and having a mom that does a mean Tina Fey impersonation, calling this broad a "star" is by far the furthest stretch. We can only hope that her dumb as all fuck boyfriend, Levi, makes an appearance. That is if he can get out of his regular duties as night cleaning crew at KFC.
Odds to win: 100-2 (Never underestimate the power of Republican Voters)
Who? Yeah, exactly. I had to Google him to find out he was on "Thats So Raven" or some shit. My roommate probably knows who he is. I don't. Therefore he's my sleeper pick.
Odds to win: 11-1
Though Mo'esha had a brief period as Mo'Eat'Sha, the female Ray J is back and trying to get money yet again. Its been so long since her music has been relevant, that one can only assume you'll see another Brandy album popping up within the next little bit. I'm sure with the added promotion of DWTC she'll sell at least 5-10... albums...
Odds to win: 7-2
When not running his fist into Halle Barry's face, this crossbreed of Young and The Restless's Shemar Moore and Aladdin, was also known for playing basketball. He is the tallest of the contestants and could pose a threat on the boards and on the fast break. What? They're dancing? Alright, you're fucked, Foxy.
Odds to win: 150-1
Remember when stuck up, shallow, rich cunts weren't glorified as celebrities and just kept to themselves and their other rich, cunty friends? Yeah me too. Thanks, The Hills
Odds to win: 1000000000 - 1
Davids career has certainly come full circle. He started off as a guy that had a car that would talk to him; Now he drives a car that wont start unless he blows in a tube. If this were "Dancing Mit De Starz" in Germany, they wouldn't even have to take votes. Germans and the Hoff are like the Catholic Church and child molestation. You cant have one without the other.
Odds to win: 5-1
Nobody put baby in a corner. Until she got a nose job, then suddenly her career was not only in the corner, but down the toilet as well. She was in that movie... fuck, what was it called? It had dancing, that was kind of dirty? Fuck, what was it?
Odds to win: 5-1
From bagging groceries to throwing touchdowns, everyone's favourite Bible-Thumping (eat a dick, Tim Tebow), over the hill NFL quarterback takes off the cleats and puts on the penny loafers. The Adam Carolla award for most awkward dances has a front runner, and he's backed by Jesus. WATCH THE FUCK OUT!
Odds to win: John 3:16
This dude looks like he could do some damage; to a buffet table. What? this isnt MAD TV's Bobby Lee? Damn....
Odds to win: 75-1
Yeah thats right bitch, I said MICHEAL FUCKING BOLTON. Back in the day, all this guy had to do was croon a few lines of any of his hits, and women would instantly turn into percolating coffee pots. Then he became one of the biggest jokes in all of entertainment.
But he's fucking loaded. And that ain't funny.
Odds to win: 15-1