1) Father Bueller’s Night Off
AAAAAAAAAAAAAND. WE. ARE. BACK! Father Gabriel stands perched atop his lookout rocking a new jacket over his familiar priestly garb. A powerful costume choice to show we wear who we’ve become over who we used to be and also it’s chilly outside. Chilly willy! It’s chill bill volume 2 on that perch. Raid the scarf closet, Father G!
Truly the perfect crime. When I’m trying to be stealthy, I like to throw a lot of cans on the ground, toss some noisy tools in the back of the loudest car I can steal, slam the trunk and doors two times each for good luck, then turn up the bass on the latest supply run mixtape.
2) Gregory Needs To Work On His Timing And Material And Delivery
Hey, Gregory! Do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall? It’s RHETORICALLLLL because your shit is WEAK, dude. Timing is everything in comedy, but material is also pretty important along with delivery and Greg is getting straight F’s across his chuckle master report card.
Did Maggie get skinnier? I don’t think pregnancy works this way, but most of my knowledge on the subject centers around avoiding pregnancy in the first place. Also, I’m glad Daryl used “ain’t” in a sentence to remind us of his roots as a redneck who used to use “ain’t” all the time in casual conversation. We need to remember where these characters have been to appreciate where they’re going! Feels great to be back writing about this show again.
3) I Think Carl Blew It
I think Carl blew it with his story arc of trying to finger this moody girl in the woods that I’ve been tracking for the past two years. For starters, she’s not moody anymore. The moody ship has sailed, so she probably has enough presence of mind and personal confidence to know she doesn’t want to get fingered in the woods by a dude in a goofy hat with a bad haircut and also an eyepatch. Good for you, Enid! But way more importantly, Carl played his cards too early. He let her know he likes her, instead of making himself distant and emotionally unavailable, and the whole thing’s over before it started. You’ll figure it out one of these days, dude! It’s not like she’s the last girl your age on earth or anything. There are probably, like, seven more out there! Plenty of fish, all seven of them.
4) It’s Hard To Take This Guy Seriously When He’s On A Horse In Nerf Armor Talking Like An Asshole
I feel like it would be a lot easier to take this guy seriously without the whole, “Who doth though stepeth upon the doormat of our territory?!?” Lieutenant BMX Pads over here looks like he’s ready to do a backflip over the handle bars of his horse, it’s just all so dumb. Hard pass. I’d feel safer leaving a labrador named Muffin in a sweater guarding the front door. At least that might buy you a couple of minutes as the intruders pet the good boy and discuss whether this sweater was custom made or something someone found on a supply run. Muffin only wears couture, you stupid bitch! God, you sounded like such a stupid bitch thinking for one second my Muffin wears anything less than couture.
5) How Do People Keep Forgetting To Mention The Tiger?
How do people keep forgetting to mention the tiger? It’s a tiger and you guys don’t exactly have a surplus of shit to talk about. Also, mention how cool Jerry is! Because Jerry (one of my favorite new characters) is definitely cool as hell. Whatever. Rep your cities, Rick! Let this guy know where you come from.
Damn, did Ezekiel really just call Rick “Rick Grimes of Alexandria?” RHETORICAL! Of course he did. That’s so fucking cool. That sounds like an Explosions In The Sky album. That sounds like a band name in the second smallest font size on the Bonnaroo poster. That sounds like the name of the barber shop where the cool dudes from Arcade Fire get their cool dude haircuts. It sounds sweet and vaguely musical is the point I’m trying to make. Please sound off in the comments if I deserve an F on my chuckle master report card.
6) Not This Shit Again, Morgan
Great! Morgan is talking about how we need to value human life and not be violent to the crew that turned Abe and Glenn’s brains into woodland spinart. Let’s see how Rick feels about this proposition!
Rick Grimes just made the face every guy makes when he realizes he can no longer deal with this shit anymore. He’s reached his bullshit threshold. Usually this exact face comes mere moments before a breakup. That’s because guys breakup different than girls. Guys hit the bullshit threshold and bail. Girls plan it out three months in advance, hit the gym to get hot as hell, and go out of their way to put themselves in the good graces of your friends and family members who will ultimately take your side but will now still always like her. The girl one is the smarter way to breakup, by the way.
7) Rick’s Awesome Story? Rocks.
Punctuation is important. If Rick’s awesome story was actually awesome the title of this segment would be “Rick’s Awesome Story Rocks!” but instead he’s talking about rocks and wagon wheels and holy shit, Rick. This story is camel ass.
I completely zoned out and had to rewind this entire scene. That’s how boring this story about dirt and rocks was. And when I listened to it again, it’s an OK story that’s definitely relevant. But like everything else, it’s better when you add Migos. Seriously. Go back and watch this scene with Migos – “T-Shirt” playing in the background. Suddenly Rick’s story bangs. Greatest story of all time.
8) Ma'am Torino
Thought this looked familiar! Uh, Carol. How is Steve Oilyhair supposed to get off your lawn when you’re in the middle of the woods. It’s all lawn out here! Also, Gran Torino was a great movie and if this show wants to do more Gran Torino stuff I’m totally cool with that. Just maybe pump the brakes on the racism.
9) I Don’t Think Archery Is Going To Help Them When Shit Hits The Fan
This archery nonsense feels substantially more like it’s for recreation than protection, mostly because the dudes they’d be theoretically archering upon have fully automatic assault rifles and also these kids are 10 years old. Same goes for the fencing and also the casual group jogging. But all these activities look nice! What a nice place full of fun activities and long take tracking shots. Oh, you thought I wasn’t going to mention the long take tracking shot from earlier in the episode? You think this is the kind of article where I’m NOT going to mention a long take tracking shot and point out that I went to college for 4.5 years to earn a useless media studies degree? The kind that lets me quickly identify long take tracking shots?!? You must not know about me.
10) “We Both Had Sex With The Same Dead Guy”
Usually the sentence, “We both had sex with the same dead guy,” would be pretty scary but it works here. I don’t know why Sasha expects Rosita to be her BFF all of a sudden. Homegirl is rocking her face scar like a teardrop tattoo. People with scary shit on their faces VERY RARELY want to be your friend! Most immediate exceptions that come to mind are Juggalos and Mike Tyson.
11) Rick Dropping Off Daryl At King Ezekiel’s Daycare
This was sad. Don’t stress, Daryl! I’m sure you’ll make a lot of friends here. And look at all the fun activities! You can shoot arrows, little dude! Don’t cry. You’re just making this worse for everyone if you cry. Oh, god! OH, GOD. He’s crying!! Also, and I hate I am making this comparison, but I saw Fifty Shades Darker five times in a row on Friday for a dumb new thing I’m doing for Funny Or Die’s Snapchat/IG (there will be a full recap of this up on FOD tomorrow, here’s a link to the one I did before where I saw La La Land five times in a row) and I saw the first Fifty Shades last week and there’s a lot of elevator doors closing as idiots say goodbye business that this reminded me of. I’m so sorry I made that connection. I deeply apologize. This was also just an opportunity to let you guys know I’m watching movies five times in a row now. I’m up to all kinds of next level dumb shit in 2017. Don’t worry, these posts will always be my favorite dumb shit.
12) Fat Joey Radio Tribute
Do they do this EVERY time a Savior dies? Seems a bit much! Also, they couldn’t just have skinny Joey go by Joe? Joey is a little boy’s name, why are both of these grown men demanding to be referred to in such diminutive nomenclature. Use your big boy names if you want respect. That’s why whenever I go to Starbucks I make them refer to me as Sir Dashiell Driscoll The One And Only. They think I have a mental disability and give me free cookies. They might be right.
13) Everyone Is A Bomb Expert Now
This was the single most ridiculous thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life. I just don’t know where to begin. With ZERO DISCUSSION Rosita is up in those bomb guts lifting all kinds of shit and QUITE LITERALLY CUTTING THE RED WIRE like she’s throwing darts at a board of bad movie tropes. And suddenly everyone is going to town on sticks of dynamite with big ass knives talking about, “be careful,” uh, dudes, zero about any of this is in any way careful. I must’ve missed the episode where everyone went to bomb college! And they put this INSANE FUCKING BOMB SOLVING MUSIC under the whole thing. I was sitting alone in my new apartment (I live alone now in a new apartment in case any of you wanted an updated on that, it’s great) laughing my ass off. I honestly haven’t felt that good in a while. It was truly life affirming laughter. And the dynamite looks like bad gas station jerky, and there are weird pointless shots of hands carefully placing sticks on the ground. Fuck. I hope every day of my life can have the kind of uncontrollable joy I felt watching this insanely stupid mess.
14) Rick & Michonne’s Wild Ride
And just when I thought this episode couldn’t go and get any better, Rick Grimes and Michonne go on the most romantic vehicular zombie massacre the world has ever known. I also really appreciate how vague Rick’s directions were for such a specific plan. He just mumbled something about honking a horn and yelled, “STAY TOGETHER!” and then ran away. So everyone knows how to solve bombs and also hot-wire cars now? Of course. And now that they’ve synchronized hot-wired their cars, TIME FOR THE COOLEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS OR ANY SHOW.
The Walking Dead is NOT PLAYING GAMES with the magnitude of dumbassery they’re putting on TV in the second half of season 7. So down. And then Rick and Michonne just kind of mosh through the herd without getting bit like they’re angsty youths at a Linkin Park concert and that could’ve had its own list spot but this article is already too long so I’m just going to shout that part out here and keep it moving.
15) Looking For Daryl In Small The Wrong Places
I totally get the need to be thorough, but why are these guys just throwing books off the shelves and knocking over tiny tables? I don’t think Daryl is hiding behind the books or under the tiny table. There’s being intimidating and looking like an asshole (I have substantial experience in the latter) and these guys look like real assholes searching for a grown man inside a filing cabinet.
16) Rick’s Creepy Smile Leads Me To Believe He’s Going To Go Fuck A Chicken Or Some Shit
How was this smile supposed to make me feel? Because it made me feel gross as hell, like Rick just realized he’s into molesting chickens. That is the smile of a man coming to grips with his inclinations to molest the shit out of chickens and being happy as hell about it. It’s the grin of a man who is finally at peace with who he is, and stoked about all the chicken banging he’s going to be doing in the very near future. Probably later that day. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN AND WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WITH GATS AND WILL RICKY G BE USING HIS MAN PISTOL IN THE CHICKEN SHED TONIGHT?!? Join us next week! Will Aaron be dating yet another new dude? I hope so! He deserves to be happy and nobody should settle for the wrong person. What is Father Gabriel up to? They keep saying shady treasonous shit isn’t him, but I think what they mean to say is that isn’t him FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS because he was kind of a scumbag before that. Where’s Judith?!? Nobody knows and nobody cares, especially not Rick “Chicken Tickler” Grimes. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E10 of The Walking Dead!
EDITOR’S NOTE: The original version had of this post had two number 11’s. Someone pointed that out in the comments (I read all your comments) so I fixed it. Also, the fact that I can’t count to 16 should surprise no longtime readers of this column. It’s great to be back, see you guys next Monday.