5 Ways to Commit to Being Vegan Without Ever Committing to Being Vegan
In a world full of people who are constantly making you feel guilty for things (I’m talking to YOU, Stacy) like not doing your part and becoming Vegan because the environment will surely benefit from one person in the suburbs not eating so many ribs, I’ve come up with a surefire way to trick the world into thinking you’re a Vegan without ever having to fully commit to being Vegan! Trust me- it’ll just be our little secret that you’re killing the environment while the entire world- including Stacy- will think you’re both woke AND a great environmentalist/human being!
1) Stock your shelves that people will see with tofu, fruits, vegetables, figs, bread and other starches. And then saw out a piece of dry wall in the basement, put a mini fridge filled with bacon, frozen meatballs, and the good cheese behind it,place the piece of wall back, and hang a vintage framed photo over it so no one will ever think to look there.
2) At a party where there’s no vegan options but your Mom is watching your every move to make sure your sticking to your strict Vegan diet? No prob! Eat any nearby decorative plant that doesn’t look poisonous while staring your mother straight in the eyes. Then excuse yourself to go to the restroom, and eat that Baconator you’ve been carrying around in your purse! Even if it’s been in there awhile,it’ll still taste better than that houseplant!
3) On a hot date? Order the sexiest vegan option, like a plant based burrito, and then when it comes yell “Woah, is that Hulk Hogan at the salad bar?!?!” When your date turns around to see if it’s really Hulk Hogan, take out the bacon bits and shredded cheddar you’ve kept in your pocket, and load that baby up!
4) Have a favorite neighborhood supermarket where people know you and are secretly keeping track of everything you buy? Make sure to buy all of your vegan options there, and then drive three counties over wearing Groucho glasses and a hat, pretend you’re on Supermarket Sweep, and load up two carts full of Tostinos, Pierogis,and White Castle sliders in under 5 minutes. Store it at an allies’ house until your house is empty and you can safely get them to your secret fridge.
5) This is a trick I learned as a young child- if you’re in a pinch and can’t secretly eat an Italian hoagie in an empty storage room, no biggie- just yell “I’m on vacation!” Even if you’re not on vacation, this phrase makes it OK to do, say,or eat whatever the fuck you want. Things don’t count when you’re on vacation,and you’ll still be an upstanding Vegan in the eyes of all of those around you,because hey- they get it! You’re on vacation, and nothing counts when you’re on vacation. So go ahead and have that meatball calzone topped with a few pigs in a blanket!