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October 09, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In the UK, a giant marijuana shrub was found in the backyard of an elderly couple, who purchased it thinking it was a regular plant. Making this the first time their grandchildren asked to visit them. 

A new app aims to help owners organize socks that are embedded with chips. "People probably think the socks are full of Doritos," said Mitt Romney in private, laughing to himself. 

Matt Damon turned 42 on Monday. Likewise, the "Matt Damon is More Talented Than Ben Affleck" joke celebrated its Sweet 16. 

According to members of his campaign, Obama appeared very distracted while preparing for the presidential debates. It got so bad they had to let him take a Joe Biden-style nap.

Hugo Chavez was declared the winner in Venezuela's presidential election. Chavez called the victory a "wonderful inevitable surprise." 

Reportedly 80 percent of eligible voters participated in Venezuela's election. Not to mention, 20 percent of eligible voters recently died from poverty. 

Addressing his views on foreign policy, Mitt Romney said he would arm Syria's rebels with weapons that could destroy "tanks, helicopters and fighter jets." Adding, "But not sugar or caffeine."

In Italy, police say they've disrupted a Latin American transsexual prostitution ring. Or as it's known in Italy, a prostitution ring.

ABC is developing a steampunk detective series set in New Orleans starring Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. Though they're still trying to address the use of the N-word, that is, "Nonwatchable." 

Actors Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are getting a divorce. Despite being together for over 30 years, the marriage is considered short-lived. 

Jay-Z took the subway to his final show at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. Riders said they couldn't believe they were sitting next to Jay-Z as he got stopped and frisked by the NYPD.