After another disappointing end to a once promising season, Lebron James announced early this morning that he has submitted a formal trade request to the Miami Heat front office. The team that most interests James is the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls. The Bulls set the record for most wins in an NBA season with 72, and eventually won the NBA championship.
James said the decision was tough, but his marketing team concluded it would be best for the Lebron James Brand. The brand has come under fire of late when the Miami Herald reported last week that James forced teammate Juwan Howard’s children to work long hours in a poorly ventilated, dimly lit warehouse, putting together new models of James’ shoes for less than a dollar a day.
Despite the clear violation of child-labor laws, some Miami Heat teammates say they will miss James. Chris Bosh seemed especially shaken upon hearing the news. When asked for a comment, Bosh murmured several syllables of baby talk before promptly spitting-up mashed peas on a bib that read “My Teammates Love Me.” James’ relationship with Bosh has long been questioned, particularly after James missed games early in the season when irritation and swelling around his left nipple developed after nursing Bosh during halftime of several preseason games.
When asked how being traded to a team in the past would work, James explained “I would be cool with being added to the roster listed on Wikipedia, and getting the same championship ring the rest of the team received. I think I can add a lot to this team, and I look forward to reminiscing with my teammates at benefit golf tournaments and motivational speaking tours. This is really a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if successful, could change the way the NBA operates.”
In response to this recent trade request, Cleveland Cavalier majority owner Dan Gilbert told reporters“I’m not surprised. During his time in Cleveland, Lebron attempted to turn several Quicken Loan employees into newts. Luckily they all got better.”
Nobody affiliated with the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls was available for comment, so here is a made up quote from then head coach Phil Jackson “This is a dumb idea, and doesn’t make any sense.”