Full Credits

Written by: Jordan "Wolfman" Heath

Stats & Data

August 25, 2011

This is a "how to" guide for new college goers. A "how to" on getting through college without being raped or addicted to drugs.

CONGRATULATIONS! You did it; you’re finally in college. In most movies, T.V. shows, and other forms of media, college is portrayed to be a fun, safe, and an unharmful environment……..ALL FUCKING LIES!!!! College is full of hard drugs, unprotected sex, creepy cultists that like communism, rape, and expensive meal plans. So, since college is full of all these scary things, I thought I would compile a list of ways to avoid and execute all dangerous situations. Situations that could end in you being in a strangers basement tide up with a video camera in your face, or worse…….not getting your term paper in on time. This guide will cover these things and more.
     The basics of college should have already been extended to your ripe mind from orientation. In orientation you learned how to be a successful student and strive to be the best you can be. When really we all know that college is just a nine month long summer camp that costs more than what most people make in a life time that grades you on academics and not how well you did in the canoe race against the camp from across the lake. So, now that you’ve been through the orientation of school; I’m going to take you through the orientation of survival.
     As I said before, college is full of many scary things that you might not be use to. Let’s start with hard drugs. Hard drugs, according to Wikipedia, are psychoactive drugs that are highly addictive and damaging. Drugs that are in the “hard” family consist of: 

-Black Tar Heroin

     Drugs also have nicknames, so that good students like you won’t know what they are, and then take them. Nicknames like:

-Bugar Suger
-The Devil’s Dick
-Lassy’s Well
-Grandpa’s Erection
-Aunt Cheri’s Seafood Fuck Salsa
-Floppy Mamba Trixy Dust
-Chinese Takeout
-Micky Mouse Medicine
-Ice Shavings
-Crushed Ice
-Ice Machine Ice

     Hopefully you never see any of these, but since you’re away from home, you will; and you might be tempted to try them.


            Wow! Did you read that fact? It’s true; this can happen to you. So, here are some tips to help you better understand how not to ruin your life:  

Drugs come in many forms. Some powder, some pill. Some even come in a cool looking crystal form that looks like it’s from outer space, but let me tell you; it’s not. It’s probably from a trailer somewhere in the middle of nowhere made by some guy named Big Bubba. So if you’re ever offered anything described or just not normal; DO NOT TAKE IT.

      2. If you wouldn’t put in on your burger, don’t put it in your mouth! If someone gives you a pill and says “Hey there slugger, take this, it’s like an M&M but better. It will make you see what Coldplay sees.” Look at it and if it doesn’t look chocolaty THROW IT OUT…….or give it back, because it was probably expensive.

      3. Strangers, not your friends, will offer you these drugs. So if someone you’re not familiar with offers you one of these “M&M’s”, you shouldn’t take it. But sometimes your friends will offer you this stuff and if they do, go ahead. Doing this stuff once never hurt anyone………..or did it?

Drugs can be ingested many ways; a famous way from when I was in school was anally. The “Cool” kids at the frat parties would sometimes take the mixture of Methamphetamine in liquid form and soak it in tampons and stick them right in their butts. Silly, I know. Other ways include smoking, snorting, or just simply eating them. But you’re never going to do either, Right?
    Drugs aren’t the only things that murder students senselessly; another thing that universities are infamous for is, and this happens often, RAPE! All sorts of rape happens on campus:

-Statutory Rape
-1st Degree Rape
-Gang Rape
-Ass Rape
-Locker Room Rape
-Teacher Raping Students For Good Grades Rape
-Monkey Rape
-Mascot Rape
-Roommate Rape
-Late Night Walking Back To Your Dorm In The Dark Rape
-Mouth Rape
-Masked Rape
-Midget Rape
-Anonymous Rape
-Rape On A Stairwell
-Rape In A Library

     And another thing you need to know about rape is that it doesn’t just have to be a penis that’s doing all the raping. There have been several incidents where household items have been found in the buttholes of freshmen pledges and the vaginas of drunk skanks from frat parties like:

-Hot Dogs
-Sharpie Markers
-Water Bottles
-Dumdums (mostly the root beer kind because they’re the nastiest)
-The Skeleton From The Science Building
-Tennis Balls
-Racket Balls
-Golf Balls
-Ping Pong Balls
-Foosball Balls
-Air Hockey Disks
-Air Hockey Mallets
-Ping Pong Paddles
-Cell Phones
-Small Animals

You can avoid rape by sticking to the R.A.P.E rules. The first letter in the sequence is “R”. This “R” stands for RESIST. The “A” stands for ACT. The “P” stands for PUNISH. And the “E” stands for EVALUATE. Now that you know the acronym that will save your life, let me demonstrate by using dialogue:

    Sally is walking back to her dorm really late at night. She was over at Tod’s dorm not having unprotected sex. A hobo man comes out from behind the good ol' Papy’s Pizza Place.

            “Excuse me, Ms. Lady?” the old hobo says frantically.

            “Yes, how can I help you?”

…….Now, you notice that Sally engaged with the man. This is already a mistake. Homeless either want money or nonconsensual sex. Let’s see what happens next…...

            “I was walking in the ally and saw that there was a trashcan full of kittens and puppies burning. Can you help me?”

            Sally foolishly follows the man into the dark ally. But what’s funny is that it doesn’t smell like burning kittens and puppies at all, it just reeks of homelessness. The next thing Sally knows her face is slammed against the brick of the famous Papy’s Pizza Place and her mouth already taste like blood. What should Sally do? Let’s review back to our R.A.P.E rules.
     The “R” stands for RESIST. Sally should RESIST! Sally begins to squirm and wiggle at the hobo’s dismay until she finally breaks free. (NOTE: if you haven’t broken free at this point you will most likely be raped!)
    Next, Sally should…………yep! You guessed it. She should ACT. This is the “A” in the R.A.P.E rules. When you ACT, you have to retaliate the forcefulness of the hobo, coworker, or whoever is attempting the rape. ACTing can be many things. It can be hitting, punching, or a swift kick to the penis n’ balls (this would not work with a gang of lesbian rapists). The best thing though is to have pepper spray or a gun. This would ensure the ultimate ACT. Sally has chosen the swift kick to the dick n’ marbles since she lacks the proper gun and pepper spray.
    Once the rapist is stunned, go to the most exciting step of the R.A.P.E rules. PUNISH! This requires a Super Bad Ass line with some kind of painful act. Example: if a gun was used the rapee would shoot the raper. In Sally’s case she will use her foot. As Sally walks to the whimpering homeless man she places her foot on his genitals.

            “Looks like the last busted nut you’ll ever have will be on the bottom of my shoes,” Sally says. She then continues to make the hobo’s testicles into the crunched nuts they put on sundaes.

            Now, the Super Bad Ass line is a requirement to the PUNISH step. If not preformed, everything could go wrong with not only you, but your sorority sisters raped as well. Now that all that is cleared up and the homeless man is slowing dying. You commit the Final step of the rules. EVALUATE. EVALUATE the situation and how it occurred. The rape attempt could have been avoided if Sally would have let those kittens and puppies burn. She will remember next time not to be so foolish. Frat boys, homeless men, professors, and men at the bowling alley have endless amounts of pulling factors for women


            If it involves horrible things happening to puppies, kittens, or little baby infants it’s probably not true. Just remember, rape isn’t funny……..unless it’s happening to someone else. Well thank you for reading this orientation of survival. I hope it gave YOU the tools YOU need to survive college safely. Next issue will be how to avoid the black people on campus.