I'm thinking I'm going to join up for Scientology. Probably next week or so. I was shopping around for a church/PR agency when I happened upon the Scientology Celebrity Center. Fantastic stuff. And I love that it almost has the word science in it. It makes it sound more official.
But when I enlist I don't want to be one of those flunkies running around in khaki pants and a super-sized blazer. No, I want to be a part of the real Scientology. The star-studded branch. The celebrity Scientolgians, or whatever.
And I know, there's a lot of Scientology talk about U.F.O.'s and being clear, and blah, blah, blah. I don't care about that. I just want the perks. The swag of Scientology. The famous friends, the leg up, the Jenna Elfman package, if you will. And yes, I will. I mean I'll follow the rules, hold the cans, wait for the return of that Sci-Fi guy, whatever it takes. I just want in, because once you're in, doors open. Big, huge, thick Hollywood doors. Living proof: Jason Lee. He used to be a skaterboarder, for L. Ron's sake.
Not long ago I was lucky enough to spend a short time in the Celebrity Center Rose Garden. The best 20 minutes of eye candy in my life. Sure, you kind of feel sorry for the "volunteers" who have to pick up your litter and sleep on plywood bunkbeds, but they're called blinders for a reason. It was a veritable who's who in that flower-packed paradise. Members included: Catherine Bell of TV's "JAG" fame, Karen Black of "Five Easy Pieces" and wandering eye fame, and Jeff Conaway, most recently seen in VH-1's nail biter, "Celebrity Rehab". And the guy from "That 70's Show". And his brother. Irresistible.
I was tinkering with the idea of hosting a "Hey Paula, Welcome to Scientology" gala for my debut. Maybe not a gala, that sounds super expensive. Maybe more like a snack-fest or something. I don't know, some punch and some music. Oh! Maybe Beck could play! I mean I'm just spit-balling here, but this thing could really work out for me. Plus I hear that once you get in, you're in for life. A "lifer" they call you. They never let you out. Wish me luck!