Relax! It’s only your first date since [Insert ex-girlfriend’s name] left you for another, and let’s be honest, better looking and educated man/woman/unknown. If your jogging bottom collection is anything to go by then you should have no problem getting back into the game. And by game I mean a date with a complete stranger whom may take an instant disliking towards you and your offline personality. Panic not; I see the headlights in your constant bloodshot eyes. It’s going to be FINE. I am almost sure that you have become more charismatic during the last six empty and tissue filling years that have passed by since that sorrow drenched day when you went from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘it’s complicated’ to ‘single.’
The important thing to remember is to not constantly beat yourself up about your status as a single male. Instead allow me to do so.
You are pathetic. Silly string would be completely wasted on you, and I’ve seen it being used on drug addicts that have been sober for only half an hour. You my friend, are a Judd Apatow movie in the making.
So, let me continue to litter the internet with yet another daft guide. This time let’s explore the 5 things you should definitely (he says shaking his head) show your gal on the first date.
1. Slogan Tees
“Dude, that’s hilarious!” said every thirteen year old boy. Unfortunately your date is a thirty six year old woman so you’re a little hesitant to wear the shirt that reads ‘Tell Your Boobs to Stop Staring at My Eyes.’ I get it. But c’mon, she’ll almost certainly be impressed with your sense of humour. I mean, if the ‘I heart sluts’ t-shirt doesn’t score you a second date then I really don’t know what will.
The epitome of courage is to devour the meatiest and messiest thing on the menu. It goes without saying (but in this case I will), use your hands not cutlery. What are you, royalty?! Make room on your phone next to your mother’s contact digits, ‘cos if you show her your raw unadulterated courage, she might respond by showing you her number. Oh-ye you read correctly, I said number.
3. Devotion to Hobbies
If you are looking for something to talk about, why not tell her about your hobbies? Better still, why tell when you can show? Bring that large collection of miniature painted warriors with you to the date. Women are always impressed by a devotion to hobbies. If you can be that dedicated to painting miniature figures then she’ll think she will have no problem being the centre of your attention.
4. Language Skills
Why not order your meal in Vulcan, Vuhlkansu, or High Vulcan? Repeat after me, “I [insert name] am the Brad Pitt of Trekkies.” Chicks dig a linguistically diverse human male with a fetish for fictional societies that travel through space. FACT.
5. Smooth Criminal
You are smooth, so it would be criminal not to use your grace to prolong the night. Go on, you know she wants the night to never stop. I’ve seen you practise chat-up lines to the mirror. Guess what, hombre? It’s time to put the cute in execute. Put your form into perform. The act in practice. Imp in implement – but don’t put the full in fulfil because it doesn’t work ‘cos there’s two l’s in full and only one l in fulfil and it becomes rather nonsensical. Like my old girlfriend said to me once, I made that mistake for the both of us. Point is women love chat-up lines and you my friend can keep the night young with some simple zingers like:
“Is it just cold in here or are my nipples pointing the way to my parents basement?”
“If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U, I and the stripper on pole B together.”
“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven and landed on a far prettier woman?”
There you have it. Now you’ve read through all five points, how could it possibly go wrong?! My guide to things you should definitely show your gal on the first date has now finished, so what are you waiting for? Take the advice and, in the words of a wise condom packet, ‘please use at your pleasure.’
Good luck! And may a God always laugh at your misfortune.
Signed using only the finest fingers,
Your Silly Guide
Editor’s note: Underneath this satirical page of crap literature lies genuine advice for the nervous few that are approaching a date night; just be yourself unless your mind is lined with Donald Trump’s inner voice. And remember, nobody likes an ugly crier (even one with beautiful – yet masculine – blonde locks and a handsome but dangerous looking nose).