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February 12, 2016
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One store has cornered the market on ruining romance.

If an adult gives you an actual, physical card for Valentine’s Day in 2016 there’s something so quaint about the gesture that it almost doesn’t matter what the card says. Almost. As I discovered during an innocent mission for lip balm, Urban Outfitters sells valentines with their tongues so firmly planted in their cheeks that I wonder who buys them, and who are the poor lovers who have to receive them. What would you do if your Valentine gave you one? What you should do is reconsider your relationship, because each card tells a dreadful story.

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“I love food and I guess you’re cool too.”

If your honey gives you one of these cards, one thing’s clear - they really like food. The banana and enchilada cards are scratch and sniff, so you too can experience your Valentine’s true object of affection.

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“You made me fall off the wagon.”

This card is a cry for help, not a valentine.

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“You’ll never get rid of me.”

Obviously a favorite with my-little-pony-loving stalkers. It even has a made by hand, with my own tears, look.

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“Uh - I don’t know - dinosaur and feelings.”

This is the card you get when you just started dating someone, and it happens to be Valentine’s Day, and they panic and don’t know what to do, so they buy you this card. It doesn’t say anything, but it suggests they might be saying something, and it has a dinosaur on it, and everyone knows dinosaurs are code for “no pressure.”

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Run.

Haha. So adorable! Wait until my mom hears about the sweet card you got me.

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Awww

I like to think people are really giving each other this card to take their relationship to the next level. This is the commitment card - although the “would deactivate” suggests some hesitation.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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