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November 06, 2014

Dear Interstellar director Christopher Nolan, You do not have an email address. Well, actually now you do. Also a subscription to the Hats.com mailing list.

While promoting Interstellar, Christopher Nolan revealed to the New York Times that he does not have an email address. I wrote him a letter about this. Since he does not have email, I had to post it on this website. Please see that he gets it.

Dear Christopher Nolan,

You do not have an email address. I imagine you think that this is some sort of badge of pride — like, “I am too busy thinking of ways to provoke wonder to sign up for Gmail,” or whatever — but it concerns me. I know you just have your fleet of assistants send your emails for you, so you have more time to think about Batman. But frankly, that just makes you look like kind of a dick. I don’t care how great Interstellar is (and it looks great). What if someone needs to get in touch with you? And if you say “voicemail,” I just, ugh. You need an email address, dude.

But don’t worry. Now you have one. I made it for you.

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Unfortunately, christophernolan@gmail.com was taken. So was chrisnolan@gmail.com. Sorry. That’s what happens when you sign up for email 10 years later than every other Christopher. But according to Wikipedia, your full name is Christopher Jonathan James Nolan, so christopherjjnolan@gmail.com it is. (If you want to change it, crisscrossnolansauce@gmail.com was available last I checked.)

So you’re now good to go. Your email address is up and running, Christopher Nolan. Since you’ve never been in the email game, you probably need help setting things up, so because I liked Memento so much, I will take a little more time to get you started.

A great thing about email is you can use it to follow things you’re passionate about. You are English, Christopher Nolan, so you are passionate about Premier League football. I don’t know which team you support so I signed you up for the Chelsea Football fan club because I’ve heard of them. Chelsea Football asked for a physical address too, so I told them you lived at the Statue of Liberty. You can change that if you want.

Of course you now live in America, so you may be into American sports. So I signed you up to get email alerts about the basketball teams at my high school.

I signed you up for a few other things too.

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But all of the Hats.com emails in the world won’t help you use your new email to connect with the people you love the most. So I took the liberty of reaching out to some of them.

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Here is a look at your current inbox, Christopher Nolan. Since you know nothing about email I should explain that your inbox is sorted from most recent to least recent. You know, like Memento.

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So I think that’s it, Christopher Nolan. Your new email awaits. The password for the account, as well as every other thing I signed you up for, is Incepti0n. Let me know what you think via email (crisscrossmelindasauce@funnyordie.com).