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December 20, 2016
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Exclusive: Straight from the birthday boy himself

After a tumultuous year, many are finding it difficult to celebrate Jesus Christ’s birthday as they normally do. We reached out to Jesus for comment on the matter, and he had this to say:

“Look, I realize 2016 has been terribly shitty for almost everyone except an orange man (whom my Father DID NOT create) but now it’s time to give thanks and celebrate my Goddamn birthday. If my birthday is cancelled I will be forced to forgo any and all blessings previously planned for 2017, and also ask my Father to not answer any of his prayer requests. After all, I have done everything for you people.

Love and Blessings

Jesus Christ”

Additionally, we reached out to Santa Claus, but received no response as of now. Stay tuned as we monitor the ongoing situation.

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