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June 03, 2016
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I am learned in the quiet preamble to a Taylor Swift country-pop crossover album.

Listen young wanderer. Open your ears and prepare to open your heart for the adorkable high priestess of #squadgoals, Taylor Swift, has consciously uncoupled from boom boom beat sorcerer DJ Calvin Harris and that means only one thing. A new Taylor Swift Album is nigh.

Before ye shout NAY! I request you quiet your temper and heed my warning, for I have lived many years and seen many moons. As I have come to know the humble ascendance of the ocean’s tide, or that when the air looms thick with dread a storm approaches, I am learned in the quiet preamble to a Taylor Swift country pop crossover album, featuring today’s hottest, youngest stars. All the omens have shown themselves:

  • Taylor Swift has endured an assault to her heart
  • Her emotional assailant is a handsome bearded man boy who looks like if your younger brother grew his first beard and never backed down from assuring everyone he liked hip hop.
  • 18 new moons have risen since her last musical album and in that time she has surely gone on a spiritual journey worth detailing in 12-16 synth pop songs, one of which will surely be Buzzfeed’s Best Break Up Anthem of 2016.

I present you with such strong truisms, yet I see your mind doubting my discernment. Yes, there will be false prophets announcing that she will not write an album and Yes, DJ Calvin Harris has begged to be spared from her lyrical wit. But what these disbelievers do not understand is that this album is predestined, as is Taylor’s responsibility in our current day pop entertainment industry.

She is the chosen one. She must fulfill her calling to perform songs relatable in their ability to touch on the most complex of generic emotions some young women go through. You must remember that if she does not show the world that it is okay to stay at home and dance on the couch while eating low cal snacks after a breakup, then we have an irreparable void in our Top 40 landscape.

Look behind you. Look down at the vast rushing river circling this fog cloaked mountain we stand atop. See the eight salmon and how they are relentlessly swimming against the current? They sparkle in the chaotic flow of the shadowy waters. Each salmon represents a track from the album. I will name them only once.

  • Is This Love?
  • I Invented Twerking
  • There’s No Such Thing As Rhythm When You’re In Love
  • Scotland Is For Creeps
  • Mad (At An Unnamed DJ)
  • Glad (I Have My \#Squad)
  • An as-of-right-now untitled track featuring Kendrick Lamar that will disappoint everyone.
  • Having Fun Is More Important Than Money

Now go down from this mountain and spread the word. To those you meet who have also recently gone through a breakup, comfort them with my prophecy. To those you meet who doubt you, tell them their only other option is silencing Taylor Swift and the damage that will do to our fragile pop culture ecosystem is unfathomable. I can barely speak of the evils that would come from her not expressing her post-breakup range of emotions, from anger to hope to dancing in the rain. All I can warn you is that should we not allow Taylor to fulfill her destiny, we will live in a world where we have to listen to Meghan Trainor sing about her future husband on loop until our ears bleed. Go forth and move Swiftly.

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