St. Paul, Minnesota- In a victory everyone saw coming, Senator Barak Obama exceeded the nearly 2,118 delegate votes needed to clinch the Democratic Party's presidential nomination. Tuesday's elections in Montana and South Dakota brought closure to an epic primary season that, for all intents and purposes, ended in mid-May.
Obama addressed a mostly blah crowd Tuesday night as the country's first African-American ticket leader, declaring "I will be the nominee." The declaration came after a weeks-long media consensus that he would be the nominee.
In Chicago, Obama's campaign headquarters were abuzz with anticlimactic celebration. "We actually celebrated this victory a couple weeks ago. We're kind of partied out," said Michelle Winston, an Obama volunteer. "I'm going home. I have Grey's re-runs TiVoed."
Obama's campaign chairperson David Axelrod: "Sure, this victory is nice, but ehh- whatever."
In a campaign finish lacking the slightest modicum of drama, Obama handily captured the delegate victory, a mathematical certainty that pretty much everyone knew was totally going to happen. Nationwide, Obama supporters expressed a general malaise over the victory.
"Didn't Time Magazine declare Obama the winner, like, two weeks ago?" said 68-year-old Montana volunteer Rebecca Krysinski.
Meanwhile, Senator Hillary Clinton still refuses to concede. "We totally saw it coming," said Clinton campaign chairperson Terry McAuliffe. "In the upcoming days, Senator Clinton will carefully weigh her options to decide whether or not to concede- but who really gives a shit what she does at this point? Why can't this just be over already?"
Speaking to reporters, Obama commented "This has been a long, hard battle, but we… but we…uh… I forgot what the point is, man."