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September 16, 2008


What is the deal with Angus Beef? It seems to be making it's way into everything meat; Steaks, Burgers, French Dips. I've even seen it sneak into some not so meat places, like those fast food sub joints. Well the other day, while I was shopping for my monthly supply of freezer and micro friendly grocery supplies, I gave in and left with two packages of Angus Beef Hot Dogs. I paid for one and got the other one free because I had a Valued Important Special Fresh Deal Customer Membership Plan Card on my key chain. I finally applied for one last month after I asked the nice old lady behind me in line if I could borrow hers and she flicked me off. I didn't save 16.92 that day but letting the air out of her tires as she slowly returned her cart to the store felt real good.

Tonight I checked my Meal Management Plan and saw I had to start eating these Angus Beef hot dogs if I wanted to earn the maximum yield from my monthly food investments. It wasn't because the hot dogs were about to go bad. I mean everyone knows that hot dogs are sealed in the highest of tech germ free plastic wrapping and the juice they reside in have been used on many a tainted camping expedition to preserve human body parts for days until they could be reattached. To this day my Uncle cannot keep hungry dogs away from his left ear. No I had to eat hot dogs tonight because the bag-o-buns expiration date is steadily approaching.

Time is a crucial factor in any successful Meal Management Plan. You see not only is a tossed moldy bun a waste of asset from the bread group, it also throws off the bag-o-buns to germ-metically sealed hot dogs ratio. The perfect plan goes as follows. You buy large quantities of ever fresh hot dogs, but only one bag-o-buns. You start eating the hots dogs for meals, usually two at a time, well before the expiration of the bag-o-buns. This way you can eat all 8 dogs in one pack and all 8 buns in one bag before the green death starts a`growing and, if you start soon enough, you don't have to perform the dreaded Hot Dog Trifecta. Consuming Hot dogs for breakfast lunch and dinner all in one day. Then you go to the 7/11 down the block and buy another bag-o-buns, resetting the countdown. If this is thrown off by moldy bread or the eating of a hot dog sans bun, which is a disgrace most people have performed some drunken night, then you will end up with a far less profitable 3 to 2 or worse 5 to 3 ratio.

As I started preparing my meal tonight I wondered what this Angus Beef would bring to the hot dog table. I was filled with anticipation as I poked holes in the ends of my Angus Dog duo, placed them in the microwave oven, set the cook time to the tune of 63 seconds and started prepping the buns. I didn't know if these special wieners would need a special mixture of condiments. Maybe more Ketchup or less Relish. I received comfort in the fact that this was my first and I would have many more chances to experiment for perfection.

The micro-ding sounded and I pulled from the oven two partially exploded Angus Beef Hot Dogs. They were placed into the made buns and I started to the table. Like any man cooking any kind of hot dog, half way to the table I picked one up and took a bite. After a second of skillfully balancing the hot parts of the bite on the wet spots on my tongue I started to chew, then taste, and I came to a quick revelation. Angus Beef assholes and ears taste just like any other cow's assholes and ears, in fact it tasted just like pig assholes and ears and chicken assholes and ears. Which we all know is what all hot dogs are made of.

This fact wont factor into my next trip to the grocery store because I buy whichever mixture of assholes and ears my Valued Important Special Fresh Deal Customer Membership Plan Card gets me a deal on.