This is the seventh edition of Drunk Girl/High Guy Cultural Reviews wherein Sarah gets really drunk, Noah gets really high, and then they go to an event and talk about their vastly different experiences. You may also read these reviews on Sarah Walker's blog here and Noah Garfinkel's blog here. Here, they watch a Republican Presidential Primary Debate On CNN together by webcam because they are now in different cities.
How We Decided To Go
Sarah: We decided on this one because, like an asshole, I moved to Los Angeles, leaving Noah behind in New York. I don’t know how he bears it, being in The Greatest City In The World without me. My goodness, I miss New York. I wish there were a t-shirt that could express how much I heart NY. But, here I am, living in one of the drive-iest cities on the planet, which is not conducive to my Drunk Girl sensibilities. Driving has really American History X-ed (curbed) my drinking! Hey-yo! (I’d like to apologize for the curbed joke just then. If you don’t get it, never mind, it’s a terrible joke in so many ways.) Driving, however, IS conducive to me listening exclusively to Green Day, Sublime and Weezer on the radio. LA Radio, I get it! You love those bands, but let’s (Michelle) branch out! (Right up top? Anyone? Michelle Branch reference? No? Cool.)
Anyway, we had to decide on a bi-coastal adventure, and since Noah loves televised debates, politics and couch sitting, and I needed to somehow make up for the cross-country move, this was the obvious choice. To be fair, Noah’s not just a couch sitter. He also LOVES a long walk. “I walked over two bridges and now I’m too tired to meet, also I’m going to make myself an elaborate snack.”-Noah, 42% of the time we have plans. And even though watching Herman Cain gives me severe second hand embarrassment, I decided to bear it, because, if nothing else, this is the most accurate assessment of the debate that you will read in the next two minutes, give or take two minutes.
Noah: It’s weird whenever one of your friends moves to a different city because there’s no way, as a friend, that you can make them stay. If you’re dating someone who wants to move, you can go for broke and just propose. As they’re leaving for the airport you can call after them, “Don’t go! Marry me!” But when a friend leaves, there’s no analogous raising of the stakes to keep them in your city. When you’re hanging out at the bar the night before they leave, you can’t just yell, “Don’t go! Let’s take mixed martial arts lessons together!” No one’s cancelling a move for mixed martial arts.
So, Sarah left for LA, and now I’ll never learn how to defend myself. Fortunately, Sarah felt guilty enough about moving to suggest on her own that we do a GChat video Drunk Girl / High Guy for the CNN’s Republican Primary Debate On National Security, which is my favorite television program. I actually love all political debates. In fact, I love all of political things. Even more in fact, I just straight up love the news. You know, The News. While sitting on My Couch. This was my ideal Drunk Girl / High Guy "event."
How Sarah Got Drunk
I bought wine at a fancy pants place near my brother’s house, where I watched the debate because I don’t have a TV because I don’t have a home until the first of the month. This is fine, nay, awesome, because I’m staying in a room across the hall from my two year old niece and everyday she wakes up and yells, “HOORAY!” It’s literally the first word out of her mouth. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Talk about getting perspective on the pure, unadulterated joy that is LIFE. However, this also occurs every day at 6:30 am. So. There’s that.
The Fancy Pants Wine Place is overpriced (they have to pay for their fancy pants somehow) but a few days prior I had seen Thom Yorke in there looking at wine so I had to go back. Thorkes (great nickname) and I actually have a lot in common: we both need haircuts, enjoy a flannel and have superfluous H’s in our names, depending on where you stand on the whole Sara/Sarah, Tom/Thom issue. You know, that contentious issue, which I’m sure will be part of the next Republican Debate on Names (“So Newt, is that a stupid name, or...? #CNNdebate”-Question I would tweet in). Here’s a fun game to play: Homeless or Thom Yorke? It’s hard.
How Noah Got High
To be honest, I haven't been smoking much lately and didn't happen to have any pot on me. For no good reason, I waited until the last minute and didn't call my Jasons until about half an hour before the debate. (Note To The Reader: I’m calling my dealers Jasons because “dealers” has a shady connotation. And they’re not shady. They’re people just like you or me, and they have real names. I mean, not names like Jason, none of their names are Jason. Come on. I’m not going to tell you their real names. They’re dealers.) The Jasons got here just in time and I got high on illegal marijuana.
Sarah: When the debate first started, before the candidates came out, I thought I was watching some shitty new talent show that Wolf Blitzer was hosting. I guess that’s not an insanely inaccurate description of the debate. However, once I ascertained that this was indeed the debate despite (because of?) the crappy metal guitar riffs introducing each candidate, I had to spend a while wondering how the producers managed to acquire that much blue carpet. How many Muppets had to die to cover that floor? HOW MANY, JASON SEGEL??
I had to connect with Noah via the Internet and for the love. Setting up GChat video, AKA, The Idiot’s Guide To Skype, took us (us=Noah) half an hour. I don’t even want to talk about it. We figured it out eventually. (We=I figured it out two years ago).
So, basically, Noah missed the National Anthem, sung by a cast member of the D.C. company of Jersey Boys, which was hilarious because GAY. I don’t know if the guy who sang the anthem is gay, but Musical Theater is! In case you need me to clarify, it was funny to me because Republicans are not so much about gay marriage. Also, you know, Santorum. That guy. Not a fan of the gays. Me? Love a gay. I’m gay for gay. No no homo. Double negative homo. Yes homo. That being said, I hated the anthem. And by "hated" I think I really mean I was just anticipating being cranky at the debate. So to the young man who sang a perfectly great rendition of The National Anthem, I'd like to say, "It's not your fault." Nonetheless, this is me watching it, which also looks like I’m in The Ring.
If your phone rings within 30 seconds of looking at that photo, you’re FUCKED.
So, the debate. My first LOL came during the “Let’s Let The Candidates Introduce Themselves” Segment where all the dudes were like, “I love my WIFE! Been married for 29 years! WOO!” and then Michelle Bachmann, second to last, was all, “Happy Thanksgiving and let’s bring those troops home soon and also a Happy Thanksgiving to them! USA! USA!” (Paraphrased, obviously). And you could just feel all the other guys think at the same time, “SHIT, why didn’t we wish Happy Thanksgiving to the troops AND America.” Point, Bachmann. But immediate demerits to Bachmann because CHILL with the lip gloss, Bachs. She’s positively Palin-esque with her gloss application. My problems with Bachmann and Palin are the same and twofold: Stop wearing so much shitty lip gloss and stop having such shitty politics. They look like eighth grade girls from the 90’s. You can just tell that it’s the kind of super sticky gloss that smells good so you sometimes eat it. I can attack their gloss because I’m a woman. WOMAN CARD!
And now, in no particular order:
Ron Paul wooed me with his REAL TALK. I was honestly fearing listening to Cain until he called Wolf Blitzer, “BLITZ.” Herman Cain for President! Put the sign in my yard!! Newt surprised me with his surprisingly reasonable point about illegal immigrants not being deported if they have been here for 25 years and have families and roots and belong to a church. Same rules apply if they belong to a mosque, I’m positive about that. Newt making sense? I was drunk.
My tiny niece wandered in and I had her say hi to Noah and he got really mad. And when she left he made this sign:
I observed that Rick Perry looks like Josh Brolin playing George W. Bush in Oliver Stone’s W.
Rick Perry said “Seriously” and “Syrians” in the same sentence and I was surprised that he just didn’t go for broke and say “Syriansly” because I have a Syrian friend and I tell her to “Be Syrians” all the time. It’s great. She loves it.
I got mad that Bachmann invoked Steve Jobs when she was talking about how he once complained to Obama that Apple was outsourcing all of his engineering jobs to China (Sidenote: Bachmann just makes up facts and states them as facts and I’m all like WHAT ARE THE FACTS). All I could think of was how PISSED Steve Jobs is right now that Bachmann is appropriating his name for her purposes. He’s developing an app from The Great Beyond to stop her from doing that again. StopBachApp. ($1.99)
Whenever the candidates would say they’d been to Afghanistan I’d be compelled to respond to the TV, “Like on vaca?” Because shut up, Candidates.
When Newt’s wife came on camera, we both jumped back from the screen. Frightened, I asked, “Holy shit, who was that?” And Noah said, “Calista Flockhart.” I also asked Noah who he found more attractive, Perry or Romney and he said, “Romney is like Jessica Alba. I know he’s supposed to be attractive, but I don’t give a shit.” So I guess he’s a Perry Man.
Cain talked for a while about mountains in Iran. Spot on topography lesson, Cain. Thank you.
I screamed when I saw Paul Wolfowitz ask a question because gross.
Whenever someone said, “If I were President of the United States,” to me it sounded like a fifth grade school election. I half expected someone to say, “And I will make sure there are soda machines in the cafeteria! And extra long recesses!”
Ron Paul said that marijuana was good and we cheered and then he said that alcohol was a deadly drug and I somberly agreed as I poured myself more wine. He reminds me of Hal Phillip Walker, the Presidential candidate from Robert Altman’s Nashville, which is my favorite movie, pretentious wise. Clue is my favorite, but in terms of actual amazing auteur masterpiece films, Nashville is my favorite and Ron Paul just really reminds me of that character. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW, OK?? Watch Nashville.
Noah: As the debate started, Sarah and I tried to connect to each other by way of GChat Video. It was an immediate success. Na, I’m playin’ with you! It was a whole drunk / high thing. At first I could hear her, but not see her, and she could see me, but not hear me. Because obviously that was what what was going to happen. How is it even possible that that wouldn’t have happened? It’s not. And then I got confused as to whose senses were receiving what stimuli, and I tried to blow smoke into my computer camera so it would look “cool.” But, to Sarah, it looked a lot more like a black screen with nothing on it.
Probably sounded cool though! It wasn’t a good start, but we finally figured it out.
As we were configuring our webcams, the debate opened up with Wolf Blitzer asking the candidates to introduce themselves by “briefly” stating their name. He then for some reason felt compelled to give them an example. “I’m Wolf Blitzer and yes, that’s my real name.” Really, Wolf? You’ve been on CNN for two decades and this is when you decided to address the fact that your name is ridiculous? Good timing. Then Romney got that look he gets when he's going to try to adlib in order to appear human. “Activate normal-cool-thing-to-say mode,” Romney said inside of his brain. Then, with his actual mouth, he said, “I’m Mitt Romney, and yes, Wolf, that’s also my first name.” So, let’s take a couple of seconds to address the many ways in which that makes no fucking sense at all:
1.) Romney said “first name” to try to make a verbal parallel to Wolf’s joke when, in fact, Wolf’s joke, WHICH WAS BARELY EVEN A JOKE TO BEGIN WITH, referred to his “real name.” So Romney screwed up the congruity, making his joke, WHICH WOULD NOT REALLY HAVE BEEN A JOKE IN THE FIRST PLACE, not a joke at all.
2.) Romney said, “That’s also my first name” which, according to how words work, means they both have the same first name. And, like... they don’t.
3.) Mitt isn’t even his first name. Mitt is his middle name. Willard is his first name. The guy is a stiff, stilted robo-retard.
And Romney wasn’t even high! But, I was. So, when candidates started talking about how important it is to “listen to the generals on the ground,” all I could imagine was a general literally laying on the ground in the Oval Office, giving the president advice.
Clearly, it was time for a snack.
As I piled Wheat Thins into my face, Newt Gingrich suddenly started making sense. Actually, before we get into that, let’s talk about Newt’s name real quick. His full name is Newton. Why’s he shortening it to Newt? If my name were Salamanderton, I would not shorten it to Salamander. So, that’s that thing. Anyway, Newt actually managed to be reasonable about immigration, explaining that you can’t simply say you’ll deport every single solitary illegal immigrant because it’s not practical, and also because some of them came here when they were about 3 and now have children of their own who are citizens. It was a moment of both logic and compassion. Of course, after that, all of the other candidates essentially said Newt could screw off and go make them a burrito.
Then, out of the blue, Sarah had a whole entire toddler on her lap. What the fuck, Sarah? Don’t let a toddler see me when I’m all high. I’m laying there on my couch, stoned out of my mind. I can't “say hi to Eliza.” And Eliza totally knew what was going on. She saw me sprawled out, eyes bloodshot, cuddling up with a box of Wheat Thins. You don’t need to have graduated D.A.R.E. to figure that one out. It was mortifying. In addition to being mortifying, it was also time for another snack.
After the peanut butter, I got pretty sleepy and don’t remember much else of the debate. The only other things I made note of were that, at some point, someone referred to the Geneva Convention as the “Genocide Convention” and that Rick Santorum is secretly a little bit fat.
He appears in good shape from head on, but look at that profile. There’s some secret fat going on. I bet he likes Funyuns.
Sarah: When the debate ended I had to run to meet a friend for dinner, but before that I had to go across the street to the neighbors house to give them a bottle of wine because I may or may not have slightly dinged their white picket fence the other day. Not drunkenly. But certainly clumsily. Listen, I’m not saying I did, I’m not saying I didn’t. I didn’t not. Then I had dinner with my friend and took a phone call from Noah where we debated if it would be a good idea to write up our post while still drunk and high so as to have it up the next day in order to be timely. And here we are. Good decision?
Noah: Finally, after it was over, I got down to business and made alfredo sauce from scratch. I also roasted some broccoli with garlic. It was all pretty great. Then, still very stoned, I wrote this whole thing because we wanted to get it up in a timely manner. I’m sorry... and thank you for reading. I’m sorry and thank you. I’m so goddamn sleepy.
Follow Noah on Twitter: @noahgarfinkel
Follow Sarah on Twitter: @swalks