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August 08, 2008


* TORONTO — In the wake of a bus attack in Canada, where a man beheaded and cannibalized another passenger, Greyhound has scrapped a billboard ad campaign. The ad's punch line was "There's a reason you've never heard of bus rage." The company believes the ad, launched last year, could be viewed as offensive or inappropriate, since the grizzly killing.

Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic bitch that lives inside of my head say, "You think?!"

* MARATHON — A grandmother was arrested for driving around a parking lot with a 3-year-old child sitting on the roof of her car. The woman contends she was, "driving at a snail-speed" and "holding the child's leg" while she was "giving the child some air and letting her have fun."

Sources close to my grandmother say, "That's the trouble with law enforcement today. Kids need to be out in the fresh air having fun, not sitting on their lazy asses playing video games. The police need to mind their own business."

Sources close to grandmothers everywhere agree, saying, "Move over Grand Theft Auto! Here comes Granny's powder blue Buick thrill rides."

* HOUSTON — Evangelical pastor Joel Osteen's wife, Victoria is being accused of behavior that wasn't very Christian-like. Victoria is accused of assaulting Continental Airlines flight attendant, Sharon Brown. Brown is suing Victoria because since the incident, she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids... plus her faith was affected, which has cost her thousands in medical expenses and counseling.

Sources close to lumpy sphincters everywhere say, "Air travel itself brings out the best in us."

Sources close to Sharon Brown say, "How can you have faith in God or religion when your anus is flaring in burning itching pain? There is no God."

Sources close to Joel say, "Halleluiah! I'd like to thank the good lawd for showing the world that this beautiful wife of mine is indeed possessed by the devil himself. Amen!"

* NEW ZEALAND — A 110-year-old tuatara named Henry, is the oldest rare lizard-like creature ever to mate. After 40 years of abstinence, the pre-historic creature's caretakers realized that Henry had a cancerous tumor on his scaly sac. Once removed, Henry has been hitting lizard bitches up left and right. In March, Henry mated with Mildred, whose age is estimated between 70 and 80. Last month, she laid 12 fertile eggs.

Sources close to Henry say, "Who's your daddy?"

Sources close to Mildred say, "We're going to have to go on Maury to be certain. See, old Henry's eyes sure aren't what they used to be 80 years ago. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, he was hitting the wrong hole. And I'm a Cougar at heart, so when Henry lay down for an afternoon nap, I had my way with a 25-year-old tuatara named Troy."

* KNOXVILLE — Multiple emergency service members responded to the scene of a house explosion. After their arrival, an additional 10 explosions occurred. Officials think ammunition and fuels inside the home may have caused the blasts.

This is the third explosion at the same address, according to investigators. Explosions were reported in November of 2003, and April of 2001. Both were presumably caused by propane leaks.

Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic bitch that lives inside of my head say, "If your house has a history of blowing up, shouldn't you move, or maybe at least not have ammo and fuel laying around all willy-nilly?"