Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 30, 2011

The Bachmanns hate Barbarians. Conan's feelings are hurt.

Marcus Bachmann, Michelle Bachmann’s Old Testament overlord, thinks gays are “barbarians [who] need to be educated. They need to be disciplined.” When asked for comment, Conan, an actual barbarian, was utterly confused: “Is Bachmann calling me a homosexual or dumb or both? Does he think all barbarians need an education or just the gay ones; or that all barbarians are gay but only some are uneducated? I’m tired of this offensive stereotype about barbarians. My slave masters provided me an extensive education of which my Spartan discipline is part and parcel. For example, I never chop anyone’s head off with my two-handed broadsword unless I have my battle axe handy to finish the job. That’s discipline, and don’t you forget it! Really, it’s quite an ignorant thing for a PhD to say.”

But can we really blame Dr. Bachmann for thinking Conan the Barbarian is gay? I mean, Conan does run around oiled-up and naked except for a furry bikini. When I mentioned this to Conan he admitted that it was a fair point. “Still,” he said, “I don’t mind being called gay, but why ignorant and undisciplined? If I ever see him, I’m going to cut off his danglies.”