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Published April 12, 2014 More Info »
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Published April 12, 2014

Firstly, congratulations target audience on reading this post. Your linguistic skills are advanced. This bodes well for reaching your goal on becoming a classroom superior. Here you will learn how to focus the limelight away from your extroverted country-singing teacher and solely onto you. The following will help you develop the skills needed to dominate the room as you become familiar with attention grabbing phrases such as;

“Enough of your buffoonery, now bring me my milk!”

“Randy, if you keep picking your nose and wiping it on Michelle then I swear to God/Allah/Elohim/ Brahman/Baha/Waheguru/Ahura Mazda/Oprah that I will inform the school’s nurse that you have acute sinusitis which means you’ll miss the whole of break time. Capisce?”

“Hey Teach, quantum and statistical methods have had great success modelling virus evolution. Can such techniques be used to model more complex systems such as bacteria? Can these techniques be used to control pathogen evolution? And if you can’t answer those questions then maybe it’s time to consider your position.”

Eradicate all feeling of subordination and work your way through these simple steps…

  1. Dress the part: Al Capone, Gianni Agnelli, Tom Ford, James Bond, Ellen DeGeneres all wear suits for one reason and five alternative reasons only; to bring a little bit of class from home into the work place. Dress sharp, think sharper.

2. Whistle: A long lost art amongst people that earn less than £/$200,000. Luckily youth is on your side, so you needn’t concern yourself with income tax, child support or the FTSE 100. In the past whistling has been proven to invoke class status and irritation. Be sure to select the correct song. Whistling a tune from today’s popular music genre will display a lower class mentality, and although your eagerness to relate to your classmates should be applauded, you are not in school to make friends but to establish headship in the academic hierarchy. I strongly recommend schooling yourself in Frank Sinatra’s back catalogue. His songs are addictive and sophisticated, everything you ought to be concerned with being.

3. Take a briefcase or Purse: A backpack undermines your professional image.

“You may be less likely to pick on someone if you don’t know what’s in their briefcase or purse.” –Trey Gowdy

If you can’t trust a Republican then who can you trust?

4. Tip your teacher: Teachers provide a service worthy of a tip but a tip from an “inferior” (their word not mine) should demoralise them enough to destabilise the system. They work for you now and don’t you let them forget it.

5. Improve your vocabulary, you dullard: For the first month of this process I recommend you lug around a thesaurus with you to ease the transition. Useful words may include; ignoramus, emetic, and croquet.

6. One does not request but command: You’re now in a position of superiority which means you do not ask someone for a pencil sharpener, but that you demand they sharpen the pencil for you.

The classroom is ready for a leader. Are you ready to lead? (The answer is yes.) Now off you go.