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World Cup fever is sweeping the globe, but the majority of Americans still don’t care enough about soccer to actually tune in. Here are some ways to spice up the World Cup for American audiences:

  • Every team gets a wise-cracking fat kid to play goalie.
  • The Undertaker periodically shows up with a folding chair to shake up the match.
  • If players can’t use their hands… why should they have any?
  • Refer to each team by their corresponding pancake at IHOP.
  • Spread a rumor that the World Cup trophy contains Obama’s real birth certificate.
  • Do away with nationalities and have teams picked by Cee-Lo, Shakira, Adam Levine, and the other one.
  • Replace names on players' jerseys with John Cougar Mellencamp lyrics.
  • Way, way more head injuries.
  • Promote the event around soccer players Americans have actually heard of, like Pele, David Beckham and that kid from that Rodney Dangerfield movie in the ‘90s.
  • Three words: “Venga Boys Reunion”
  • Instead of using their feet to control the ball, players just shoot at it with guns.
  • Have the US team be the best instead of shitty.
  • Broadcast it on Netflix and release all the games on the first day so we can binge-watch the entire tournament in one sitting.
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