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July 29, 2015
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Our Lunch Lady has gone missing. AND WE WILL BRING HER HOME.

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Here at the FBI everyone is important when it comes to keeping the organization running as efficiently as possible. However,there are some people who are particularly important, and we’ll do everything we can to ensure that these members of our family are safe and able to do great work. Unfortunately one of these members has gone missing. This has crippled the Federal Bureau of Investigation. We’re sending out this message to ensure the public that the FBI will be back to work at full capacity, Because we’re going to do everything we can to find our lunch lady: Lacienega Brown.

Now the FBI needing a cafeteria may seem ridiculous, but we work a 9 to 5 just like everyone else. And due to the nature of our jobs, we can’t necessarily leave bureau HQ. Still, In the middle of the day we start to need nourishment, and we can’t fight crime if we don’t get some yum yums in our tum tums. That’s where our lunch lady comes in. Lacienega has been the head lunch lady for the FBI for about 8 years now, and honestly, she’s like a 2nd mother to us all (for mother’s day, we all signed a mothers day card, and put it in the gold lambo we got her.). Lacienega’s meals have been beyond fantastic for agents at the bureau. Fried Green tomatoes, salmon with tater tots, and don’t even get me started on her delicious heart shaped meat loaf! All her meals are delicious! And she won’t tell us her secret ingredient, but we all know it’s love. Ever since she went missing, working in the bureau has been like working in hell (a hell without a lunch lady in it).

Our agents are working on empty stomachs everyday, and again, we work for the FBI, it’s not like we can just leave the building. When we try to track down terrorist, are stomachs start rumbling, and eventually we just stop and wonder what we’ll eat for dinner. Greg, one of our expert hackers (who would normally be breaking into the computer systems of dangerous drug cartels) just sits at his desk watching episodes “Top Chef”, even the bad ones (fun fact: every episode of “Top Chef” is the bad episode of “Top Chef”). I don’t think anyone’s taking it harder than our white-collar crime investigators though. When I walked into their department, I asked how they we’re doing since Lacienega went missing. One of them told me “everyone’s doing good. I mean, if we get hungry, we can just order a pizza from Domino’s or something”. The tears streaming down her face said otherwise. As you can see, we don’t like being hungry. So today we made the decision to cut manpower down by half in all departments, and focus these efforts on finding Lacienega Brown.

Is it a bad idea to dismantle a portion of government just to find a lunch lady? Yes. HOWEVER, is it bad to not eat when you’re hungry? Also, yes. Since we’ll be diverting such a large portion of the FBI to finding Lacienega Brown, things may get messy for a while. Police departments across the U.S won’t be able to call on us for help, so a few criminals will go uncaught. I’d encourage everyone to get a gun or lethal weapon of some sort, because If a terrorist attack happens while we’re looking for our lunch lady, it’s every man for himself until the military steps in. with that being said, if anyone plans on committing a crime that’s so violent that your local law enforcement won’t be able to handle it, can you like…hold off on that, or bookmark it? since we’re looking for Lacienega, Every call for back up that we receive is going to go straight to voice mail (and we hate listening to voicemail)

The FBI is dedicated to protecting and serving everyone in this great country of ours. But man, we just can’t do that if nobody’s there to provide our bellies with tacos every other Tuesday. We’ll essentially be shut down for few days, but this is a necessary sacrifice. We will find Lacienega Brown! Even if the only clue we have to go off of is a note with her forged hand writing that reads:

“I quit”

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