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August 18, 2010

A plea to the community

NARRATOR: Every seven seconds in this country, a domineering parent takes their child to his or her first casting call.

(Scene: a mother and her eight-year-old daughter are waiting inside a studio for her to try out for a Cap'n Crunch commercial)

MOM: I want to see our happy smiles!

DAUGHTER (sighing): OK, mom.

MOM: (yelling): NOW!

NARRATOR: This is no way for a child to live.

(A bunch of men clad in black break in through the studio skylight on ropes, grab the girl, and exit through the ceiling as quickly as they appeared.)

NARRATOR: The Child Actor Reclamation Project helps children move away from the horrors of studio life and integrates them into a normal home.

Why Not Acting?

NARRATOR: Parents are often cruel to their children when they want their child to be a star. Not satisfied with their lot in life, parents force their kids into tap shoes and $50 haircuts in order to live vicariously through them. These parents eventually squander away their child's earnings, and once the child is an adult, he is penniless and forced to appear on embarrassing game shows featuring Whoopi Goldberg. It is unfair, as the child did all the work, while all the parent did was yell and foist unrealistic expectations on their progeny.

Why A Child Actor?

NARRATOR: First off, television commercials featuring children are horrible. The writing is generally awful and insulting to even the most slack-jawed dullard. And let's face it... an eight-year-old does not make for a good actor.

(Scene: An eight-year-old boy is sitting on a couch sniffling after a good long cry. His father is trying to comfort him.)

DAD: Things aren't looking good right now Tiger, but Sparky's in a better place.

BOY: (Still sniffling. Looks up at father with huge, glistening eyes)

DAD: I know you can never replace him—he was your best friend—but your mom and I thought this might cheer you up.

BOY: (Tears quickly forgotten) Wow! A Playstation 4!

(A bunch of men clad in black break in through the studio skylight on ropes, grab the boy, and exit through the ceiling as quickly as they appeared.)

NARRATOR: Child Actors have been beaten down by life, and more to the point, by their domineering parents. They are eager to please, and because they haven't yet been burdened with the confusing world of financial success, they haven't been spoiled either.

(Scene: A modest home. A recently rescued child actor is finishing feather-dusting the living room while his new dad watches television)

RESCUED CHILD: (cheerily) Would you like me to do the dishes now?

ADOPTIVE PARENT: (slightly confused, but pleased) Uh sure, I guess.

NARRATOR: These children would rather live in a trailer park than have their own trailer with their name on the door. No more 3:00am casting calls. No more learning the alphabet from a tutor. Just let them sleep in until six and take them to the occasional softball game and you are a god.

Please. Call now. Rescuing a child actor prevents so much pain in the years to come. It's one less bank robbery. It's one less thirteen-year-old coke addict. It's one less embarrassing Playboy spread. It's one less tedious VH1 "Where Are They Now?" special.

The Time Is Now

NARRATOR: There is no time like the present. For a small fee of $23,500, you too can be the proud adoptive parent of a child actor. It may seem like much, but the money is necessary for court costs, training our elite commandos, and purchasing those cool black outfits they wear. But believe us, when you look into your precious new child's smiling overjoyed face as he realizes that he doesn't have to try out for a "Cap'n Crunch" commercial after three hours of sleep, you'll know it is money well spent. Plus, lets face it... child actors are prettier than normal children, and who wants an ugly child?

Please note that all children used in the filming of this commercial were sent off to brand new homes as soon as filming was completed, and were given a big plate of cookies.