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November 15, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The United Nations now states that access to contraception is a universal human right. But if Syria is any indication, you can still shoot and bomb as many condoms as you want.

Actor Channing Tatum has been named the Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine. Interestingly, he was also named Sexiest Woman Alive by Just Going Based Entirely on a Person's Name.

Sen. John McCain said he would block potential secretary of state nominee Susan Rice for "not being very bright." Said McCain, "She probably doesn't even know what the Bush doctrine was."

The owner of a tanning salon apparently committed suicide after writing "Fuck Obama" across his will. The question now is, will his son Randy fulfill his final wish?

Scientists have mapped the genome of the domestic pig. Soon, they promise, they will be able to figure out how a pig can spin a web, and with such accuracy.

Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a law that broadens the definition of treason. Specifically, to include anyone who makes fun of anyone for loving the company of dolphins too much.

On Wednesday, workers in Greece, Spain and Portugal held synchronized protests against austerity measures. To accomplish the timing, Spain and Portugal told Greece the protest was taking place 40 minutes early.

A new study suggests a hormone could play a role in maintaining fidelity in long-distance relationships. Turns out it's the exact opposite of whatever is in Appletinis.

Reps. Barney Frank and Ron Paul are asking President Obama to not interfere with the legalization of marijuana in Washington and Colorado. They would've written it sooner but they couldn't stop laughing once they realized they have so many first names.

An "orphan" planet lacking a parent star has been discovered 100 light years away. Still not too far for Angelina Jolie.

670,000 Prius Hybrids are being recalled. Toyota has assured customers that the machine half of the car is fine--it's the horse part that's causing trouble.

Nancy Pelosi announced that she will stay on as House minority leader. Likewise, air announced it will still be breathable.