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November 20, 2015
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If they really want to improve the breakup experience, this is what they have to do.

Breaking up sucks. We’ve all seen the movies. You have to take a long sad walk in the rain and see couples in warm, cozy cafes making out while a bus splashes street water on you. It just sucks.

Facebook realizes it sucks, too, and wants to help us get over the fucker who broke our hearts. They announced that they’ll give users an option to limit how they see their ex on the site, by hiding their news items and no longer suggesting they be invited to events. Facebook is calling it “improving the experience” which is a kind way of saying “bye bitch” to those you are no longer dating.

So while Facebook’s efforts are very much appreciated, there are some ways they could improve this experience even more.

  • Add photos of you onto your exes’ timeline where you are on a tropical island surrounded by hot models.
  • Automatically change your relationship status to “dating someone VERY cool and accomplished and attractive and makes me actually laugh.”
  • Maybe just have their page, which you are unable to see, just spammed with sad Adele songs and bot-statuses about entering a sad singles cruise. People will definitely worry about them.
  • In place of suggesting your ex as an invite to events, Facebook should suggest super hot friends of your friends.
  • After fifteen minutes on Facebook, Facebook should just log off immediately and suggest you “do something productive, you’re not going to meet anyone like this.”
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