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April 18, 2017
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Do I have to spell it out?

For years, humans have attempted to decode life’s biggest mysteries. Mysteries like the Bermuda Triangle, Jack the Ripper, Stonehenge, people who eat cereal without milk, and, of course, flirting (in no particular order). I know what you’re thinking, “Flirting isn’t rocket science!” Correct. It’s much, much more confusing.

Flirting is like putting together IKEA furniture — you can picture what it’s supposed to look like, but somehow the process never goes as planned.

Should I call? Where should we go on our first date? How do I know she’s not just using me for my extensive Beanie Babies collection? These are the questions we ask ourselves all the time. And as someone who has gone on a date or four in his lifetime (not to brag), I feel as if I’m starting to find some answers. LOL, slow down. I’m not calling myself a dating expert, but let’s just say I know my way around whatever it is you think makes someone good at dating. And I’m here to help.

So fear not. Here’s some foolproof advice from a guy’s perspective, so you can tell whether he’s into you, or you’re in too deep.

1) He Texts You Just to Say Hi

I’m a guy. I also own a phone, and sometimes I text on it. So I think I’m pretty qualified to speak on this topic. Is he texting you about a homework assignment? For a favor? Did he find a way to control climate change? Discover a cure? No? Interesting. Then why is he texting you? Bingo. Expect a proposal within the week.

2) He Wants to Meet Your Parents

For dinner, for coffee, at Yom Kippur services, it doesn’t matter. The bottom line is that if he wants to meet the people who gave you life, he’s thinking long term. Expect a proposal within the week.

3) He Only Buys Foods That Start With the First Letter of Your Name

Sure, you might think this one is obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many people miss the signs. Every guy does it. Katie, he’s not just cooking kale kabobs with ketchup for fun. Are you blind? (Expect a proposal within a week)

4) He Builds a Time Machine & Travels Back to Ruin All Your Exes’ Lives

I know, I know. How cliche, right? But it needs to be said. Newsflash: if you’re with a guy and he tells you that he quit work to build the world’s first functional time machine in order to go back and ruin the lives of everyone in your past who did you harm, then he probably wants to get to know you more. Just a thought. I cannot believe how many girls misinterpret this one.

5) He Joins NASA Then Names a Newly Found Planet After You

90% of the time I’d say that this is a good indication of someone being into you. I’m not saying that he’s ready for a commitment, but at this stage I think it would definitely be worth exploring. Maybe start talking on the phone or something.

6) He Finds a Magic Genie & Wishes For You Two to be the Only Ones Left on Earth

Jealousy isn’t a good look on anyone. But you have to admit it’s kind of cute when someone vanishes living creatures from our planet entirely just to spend more time with that special someone. It’s like a classic Disney fairytale but with way more murdering. If this happens to you, don’t overthink it.

7) He Develops A Way to Ensure Immortality, Connecting You Together for Eternity

And people say that chivalry is dead. Pshh. Take it from me, if you find him in his secret basement laboratory one evening concocting a way to keep you alive forever, he might like you. Perhaps not like-like you, but you never know where relationships can go!

8) He Buys You Flowers

Sometimes you just can’t beat the classics.


For more great advice like this, follow Jon on Twitter @savittj

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