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November 28, 2016

So a lesbian walks into an all female survivor camp. 13 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' S07E06 "Swear"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

1) Am I Watching The Right Show?

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This feels suspiciously like Fear The Walking Dead, what with scenic ocean view and characters I don’t recognize and a youth who seems a little too eager to murder. The Walking Dead: Where at least once a season an episode will start and you’ll ask yourself if you’re watching the right show.

2) Why Are All These Women Wearing The Same Ugly Clothes

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Stop me if you’ve heard this joke before, but a lesbian walks into an all female survivor camp. Why are all of these women wearing the same olive and brown uniform? Kinda drab! Maybe stop surviving and start living a little. At least this flashback isn’t in black and white, something we know is in the official Walking Dead playbook of rad ideas. This is a flashback, right? What the actual hell is going on.

3) There Was Almost No Way To Know That Giant Dangerous Thing That Was Obviously Filled With Zombies Would Be Dangerous And Filled With Zombies

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Golly gee willickers, there was just about no way to deduce that this giant mess of sand and trucks and abandoned cars would be dangerous and definitely filled with zombies other than by looking at it even for a second. This show isn’t about the threat of the ZOMBIES anymore; it’s about the threat of the LIVING! The threat of living with dumb people and going on soy sauce finding missions that will eventually get you killed.

4) It’s Never A Good Thing When Someone Says “Do You Need To Use The Bathroom Before We Get Started”

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If someone asks, “Do you need to use the bathroom before we get started?” you better get your ass out of there because they’re probably not talking about watching Goodfellas or a drug-fueled sex party or a road trip to Disneyland.

5) I Thought This Was Tara’s Origin Story

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Wait a minute. This isn’t a flashback? It’s like a flash sideways? Is that a thing? I guess flash sideways is a thing now. I legitimately thought this was Tara’s origin story. I had to use the internet (cool thing I have) to remember that we got introduced to Tara way back in season 4 when the Governor burned down Woodbury and I was still watching this show without scribbling illegible notes about fish stew and truck sand. I don’t know why they decided not to have this episode play out in linear fashion because it would’ve changed nothing except making it easier to understand and by extension more enjoyable. Brainstorm! Maybe don’t do stuff like this in the future. They’re going to keep doing stuff like this in the future.

6) I Guess The “Lesbians Are Quick To Move In Together” Stereotype Is Real

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Pump the brakes! You guys just met; do you really think it’s a good idea to move in together in the middle of the first date? Wait, so they’re not lesbians? Negan killed ALL of their men?!? Damn. What a despicably Negan thing to do. Pretty cool for all the 9 year old boys, though! Also, how is this place and their many guns a secret? They’re surrounded by bells and airhorns and just fired off 1,000 rounds of ammunition. It’s the loudest place in the world.

7) Pound Town

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Do you guys think they put stuff like this awkward pound grab in the show specifically so I have something to write about on Monday? Sometimes I think they put stuff like this awkward pound grab in the show specifically so I have something to write about on Monday. Sound off in the comments if you think they put stuff like this awkward pound grab in the show specifically so I have something to write about on Monday.

8) These Ashy Zombies Need So Much Lotion

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Why is it that the only thing I can think when I look at these ashy zombies is, “Damn, they would need A LOT of lotion to de-ash this incredibly ashy situation. How much lotion?” And then I proceed to do lotion math in my head and miss two minutes of the show that I need to re-watch but I miss it again because this lotion math isn’t going to do itself.

9) The Dual Running On Top Of Cars Was A Bit Much

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You guys CERTAINLY ARE STICKLERS for me not mentioning the straight up comedic action moments (like Jesus’ evening karate last week that didn’t make the cut) so yeah. The dual running on cars thing was dumb. It got mentioned! The three of you who take bets on what will get mentioned here can breathe a DEEP SIGH OF TURKEY LEFTOVERS RELIEF BREATH because the running on cars thing got mentioned. And that’s all I have to say about that.

10) I Guess All Black Zombies With Dreads Look Alike To Tara

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Damn, Tara. Did you REALLY just mistake that black zombie with dreads for Heath? Just because the zombie was the only one on the bridge not covered in sand and also looked a lot like Heath from the back? NOT COOL. I read some pretty compelling fan theories last night suggesting Heath put on a dress in his final moments. He couldn’t hide who he was any longer! It’s also worth noting that Fear The Walking Dead did a similar thing with a zombie lookalike fakeout and it’s corny and lame and please stop doing this crap on these shows.

11) Why Am I Watching This Person Eat Newspaper Fish In The Dark On A Sunday Evening?

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Does anyone else have weird existential dilemmas watching this show thinking about looming mortality and how we spend our limited time on earth? Just me? Cool! Just me. Anyway, Newspaper Fish is my new favorite character. Newspaper Fish is both compelling and dynamic while being bold and no surprise to the comic book readers Newspaper Fish will play a HUGE role in season 19.

12) The Glasses Half Full

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So you’ve got one character driving an RV with no glasses (nice knowing you, Heath) and Tara strutting down the road in these shades that say, “Please rob me.” Great. Strong stuff all around. Welcome back to Alexandria, Tara! Glad you were able to get home from the world’s noisiest secret that’s apparently just a 20 minute stroll away.

13) Alexandria’s Motto Needs An Update

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Not sure this applies anymore. Might want to change to “Welcome To Alexandria: We got no guns. We got no food. Our Glenns’ heads are falling off.” JOIN US NEXT WEEK! Will we find out what PPP stands for? Lot of fans think it means Please Pkill PCarl. What ever happened to Heath? He drove that RV with his eyes closed straight into a better TV show and away from signing head shots at Comic-Con for the rest of his career. Will all those ladies with guns prove to play a pivotal role in taking Negan down? There are only two episodes left in this half season and not a whole lot has happened, so it’s safe to say yes but also safe to say it literally won’t go down for another calendar year. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E07 of The Walking Dead!