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Omegang’s perfect replica of the Belgian classic, made exactly the way the Trappist Monks did in the 15th century, right down to the step where they stir the mash with their penises.


Today is National Beer Day, and what better way to celebrate than with a fine, handcrafted tipple from one of America’s finest small-batch breweries? Here are just a few of our favorite microbrews:

  • Mansplainer Cask Ale: A condescending little ale, the intricate brewing process of which is perfect for droning on and on about to disinterested dates.
  • Brussels Stout : A unique, heavy-bodied beer with free-floating chunks of Brussels sprouts.
  • Stone Hop-O-Caust Quadruple IPA: The San Diego brewery has come up with a Final Solution for all you hop-heads out there!
  • Beer-Donnay: Half beer, half wine, all class.
  • Rogue Brewery’s Hair of the Dog: A limited-edition specialty ale filled halfway with the hair of the St. Bernard that played Beethoven.
  • Neighborhood Dive: Captures the taste of the cheapest beer on tap infused with a hint of an entire basket of free cheese balls.
  • SouPilsner: A full-bodied pilsner served piping hot, ladled into a bowl, and eaten with a spoon. Love those chunks of potato, chives, and tender beef!
  • No Dove Piss IPA: A rich Portland brew made using only local hops and not even a little bit of dove piss.
  • Cure What Ales You: This beer is 4% alcohol and 100% cure to Ebola! It’s pricy but if you need it, it’s worth it.
  • YOU Brew: The only beer that comes in a big glass bottle that looks EXACTLY like your own head. How the bottlers know precisely what everyone who buys it looks like, we’ll never guess — but man is that a good stout!
  • Chipped Pint Glass Lager: A classic American lager that will make you feel like you just got a big pint glass at a bar with a small chip in it. Contains tiny shards of glass.
  • Can You Beer Me Now?: This white chocolate stout is made one gallon at a time in the cold, dank basement of Paul Marcarelli, aka the guy from those Verizon ads. It’s a surprising flavor that reminds you of childhood surprises, warm winter nights, and unlimited rollover minutes.
  • Goose Island Goose Joose: The popular New York Brewery now has their own alcoholic energy juice with vitamin B6 and shlorine (goose saliva).
  • Belly Braü: The only beer you brew in your stomach! What’s more fun than swallowing the separately packaged yeast, hops, and barley and then sitting out in the hot sun until your stomach makes some refreshing beer? And also diarrhea?
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