The recently leaked song “Accidental Racist”, a collaboration between country singer Brad Paisley and rapper LL Cool J, has been causing a stir online for its bafflingly simple-minded and defensive take on racism, slavery and Southern pride. Here are some of the more ridiculous lyrics.
Brad Paisley: “To the man that waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main, I hope you understand / When I put on that t-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is I’m a Skynyrd fan”
Look, Brad, we all love "Freebird" but is broadcasting your love for Lynyrd Skynyrd really worth all this trouble? They've only got one original member left at this point and chances are he's not gonna be hanging out at your local Starbucks. If you're that concerned about it though, next time just give your barista the name “#1 Skynyrd Freak” and he’ll write it in nice big letters on your latte cup. No confederate flags necessary.
Brad Paisley: “I’m proud of where I’m from but not everything we’ve done / And it ain’t like you and me can re-write history”
...Or could they? Think about it: “T-Shirts and Do-Rags: A People’s History” by Professor Brad Paisley and Poet Laureate of the United States LL Cool J.
Brad Paisley: “Our generation didn’t start this nation”
The very old people who watch NCIS: Los Angeles did.
Brad Paisley: “We’re still pickin’ up the pieces, walkin’ on eggshells, fightin’ over yesterday”
Nothing says “walkin’ on eggshells” quite like entering a Starbucks with a giant symbol of the institutionalized enslavement of human beings emblazoned on your chest. I wonder what he’d wear if he wasn’t so concerned with politeness!
Brad Paisley: “I’m just a white man comin’ to you from the southland...”
Brad Paisley: “I try to put myself in your shoes and that’s a good place to begin / But it ain’t like I can walk a mile in someone else’s skin”
...Or can you? Think about it, Hollywood: Face/Off 2: Race/Off.
LL Cool J: “Just because my pants are saggin’ doesn’t mean I’m up to no good”
Unless you’ve got something offensive on your boxers like, say, I dunno, a confederate flag.
LL Cool J: “I want you to get paid but be a slave I never could”
Normally, recording artists would hammer out the financial terms of a collaboration like this ahead of time.
LL Cool J: “If you don’t judge my do-rag...I won’t judge your red flag”
It seems strange that LL would be willing to forgo judgement of the Confederate flag and all it represents in exchange for someone not thinking mean things about his do-rag. On the other hand, Brad Paisley’s fashion judgements are notoriously cutting and bitchy, as evidenced in his weekly fashion column “Paisley and Lace” in which he recently referred to the do-rag as “so 1997”.
LL Cool J: “The relationship between the Mason-Dixon needs some fixin’”
And some FIXIN’S! Of which you’ll get plenty at Brad and LL’s new spinoff restaurant “Accidentally Tasteless”...where the food is just like this song!
LL Cool J: “RIP Robert E. Lee but I’ve gotta thank Abraham Lincoln for freeing me, know what I mean”
Holy shit, Robert E. Lee died?!