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December 06, 2016
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"The lights, the applause, the singing! I get my foreplay from a pre-show warm up, I get my climax from a standing ovation. The best part? I never have to worry about getting the stage pregnant."

Lead in local musical to continue being a virgin.

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Local man, Shawn Woolkins, is set to continue his astounding streak of virginity with latest role. Woolkins originally began never having sex at the tender age of 0, having not developed a working penis, testicles or a sex drive. 25 years on he is tipped to be the biggest virgin in the town following a successful casting as royal butler, Buttons, for upcoming show Cinderella. According to critics, Buttons is the most A-sexual character ever devised in modern theatre. Is he attracted to Cinderella? Is he secretly more aroused by a good cutlery placement?

While we ponder these questions Shawn’s libido continues to slow. “I love it!” Shawn exclaimed when we met him backstage after the first night preview. “The lights, the applause, the singing! I get my foreplay from a pre-show warm up, I get my climax from a standing ovation. The best part? I never have to worry about getting the stage pregnant.”

There was a time however, when Shawn wasn’t always interested in the bright lights of show business, “I was on my way to losing my virginity. It was common knowledge I could have had sex, some people were worried that I was going down a bad path. Then I landed a big role in Fiddler on the Roof and my fiddling went elsewhere. It just changed my life.” Shawn says he’s looking forward to furthering his celibacy legacy. You can catch the show next month in Mahoney’s Community Centre.

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