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July 14, 2010


Early this morning I ran out of toilet paper. Tomorrow I go sailing with friends. I picked off all the nuts from my chunky peanut butter sandwich. These and other banal observations flood the internet by the second in the world's largest therapy room - Facebook.

Don't get me wrong - I'm all in favor of positive reinforcement and pretending to listen when my wife waxes on about the benefits of one skin cream over another, but I have to draw the line when Ben from the IT department posts pictures of his roommate after a night of binge drinking, or when my sister-in-law's best friend can't decide on which sequined halter top goes best with her brand new ostrich skin boots, and it's a life or death decision because it's for a blind date at a really classy outdoor eatery called The Olive Garden.

According to Facebook's creators, the site is a "community where friends can share thoughts freely in a safe, secure environment." Can I just say that sometimes you don't want to know what goes on in someone else's head? And the only "community" where speaking nonsense is acceptable is in a Dr. Seuss picture book. If people really walked around city streets rattling off to strangers how many pounds of sausage they bought at the meat store, or how much they liked boiled turnips, half the population would be committed. And maybe that's not so bad. I mean, the chances of you being locked up with a few friends are pretty high. After all, according to your profile, you have 365 of them.

Never mind that you haven't actually met most of them, and that at least one of them is a Nicaraguan drug smuggler posing as a Romanian swimsuit model looking for a friend in the States, and she's heard so much about you, and oh by the way, that profile picture, where you used to have hair "looks so handsome". That's okay though, it's a virtual world, right? Which explains why it's so much easier to send someone virtual flowers rather than real ones. Who cares if your new friend can't touch or smell them, it's the thought that counts. Oh, wait. The amount of thought that goes into sending a virtual gift is equivalent to that of flipping the bird to the guy who cut you off on the freeway. Oh, well. If this friend can't appreciate your efforts, no loss to you - you've got hundreds of others. And anyway, you can't worry about that right now, you've got a whole farm to take care of. Those cows aren't going to milk themselves. What's that noise?! Oh, it's your real kid crying in her crib because the sun's in her eyes and the cat is clawing at her face. But you can't be bothered with the real world right now. If you don't stay focused your whole corn crop is going to die. And if that happens, how will you ever be able to justify your spouse leaving you?

Speaking of which, have you blocked her yet? Be sure to take care of that right away. You wouldn't want your most private thoughts going out to just anybody. By the way, a ladybug just crawled past my window, and now I'm thirsty. Any comments?