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April 25, 2011

The Dairy Battalion has infiltrated Lord Salisbury's dominion of the freezer. Now, he and his loyal subjects, The Organics must defend their home and hold onto their greatest hero of Gallon Maximus before it is too late

To see what you missed in the last Chapter of Refrigerator from Ruin: The Dairy Battalion, click here


Snail Trail glides all around the heroic Lord Salisbury and Gallon Maximus. “Looks like I’m gonna have ta stick it to ya Salsy,” standing behind the sick stick of butter is The Dairy Battalion, former comrades of Maximus who plan to get him back.


“And I can baste dem wit you,” the quart sized carton of Milk called Stache holds Snail Trail like a rifle against Salsibury’s frigid body.


“Then Eggxactomondo will stick himself inside all of my holes,” the wedge of Swiss cheese called Wedge Tilles allows the egg carton of little individualized soldiers to hop out and burrow themselves deep inside of Wedge’s body. “Ah yeah, that is the spot, just a bit deeper,” the Wedge of cheese takes a deep breath, “alright, let’s get eggwiched.”


“You got some nerve,” Lord Salisbury grabs the base of Snail Trail.


“Let us not be too hasty Salisbury,” Maximus gets in between an angered Stache and Salisbury. “My brother of the Dairy, “the ice cream container turns to the carton of milk, “What is that you want of me?”


“We have come to pick you up and return you to our land of Dairy,” Eggxactomondo calls out in a chorus of twelve voices while vibrating within their Swiss cheese craters.


“And whats he gonna do there,” Salsibury forces himself over to the cheese and egg mixed character, “have him live in a frozen chamber? He belongs with us up here.”


“I belong to nobody!” Gallon Maximus forces the piece of meat down to the ground. This catches the rest of the Organics off guard as they stand back in silence. The Dairy Battalion also stands in silence, but with small smirks across their faces.  Gallon pouts and puffs out his chest, “I am gonna do what I feel is right. I’m gonna be with the ones that I want, and I ain’t gonna be told otherwise!”


“Sounds like somebody needs a hug,” one of the ice cube brothers whispers to another.

Gallon catches the remark, removes his lid and hurls it like a discus at the pile of ice cubes so that they shatter and disperse all about the frozen tundra. The lid arches back to its master, who plucks the vanilla, chocolate and strawberry advertisement from the air and secures it back onto his face. “Now,” he turns to his brethren, “show me the way out of here.”


Snail Trail gives an oozing smile to Gallon Maximus. The buttery stick walks arm in arm with the gallon of ice cream, they slide out of the freezer and back to the fridge below. Stache follows close behind them and hops down the side compartments on the fridge’s door.  Wedge runs to the freezer door to escape, but turns back around to make a final mark for the Dairy Battalion.


“Y’know Salsy,” the cheese calls out and boasts, “looks like not even the mystical baking soda can help you win this war now – HAW HAW!”


“The yolks on you Salsy,” screams the twelve echoing voices of Eggxactomondo, which turns to the broiling point in Lord Salisbury.


“You better tell your king to get his men and horses,” the Lord gets up in the face of cheesewiched character, forcing him slowly backwards to the edge of the freezer’s magnetic strip.


“Wha-wha-why?” questions the twelve echoing voices only to get caught off half yelp by Lord Salisbury as he shoves them and they shatter on their Master’s tiled kitchen floor far below.


“Cause they’re gonna have to put you back together again,” Lord Salisbury smiles over the edge of the freezer door and his face quickly turns grim and defensive to bark orders to the rest of his Organic soldiers. “Someone fetch me Mr. Grindhouse and see if he can get us out of Gallon’s idiotic mess again?”


Thanks so much to those of you that read previous installments of this absurdity. If you like where this is going, please check off “helpful,” if it is “funny” or not on Funny or Die or just leave a comment.

Be sure to check out part 1 of The Refrigerator from Ruin