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Thanks to Comedy Whirled's SLANT for the iconic image of Buddy Revell.
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Published April 05, 2011
(This article was originally posted on Comedy Whirled. You should GO THERE.)

Full-time bullying is pretty tough on a person. In the world of grownups, being a bully can be pretty rockin’ (just ask abusive husbands or asylum orderlies) and extremely profitable (like for no-nonsense corporate CEOs or Kiefer Sutherland) . . .

That's a towel, ladies . . .

. . . but when a bully’s just getting his feet wet in the gentle, laughably frightened currents of the dweeb ocean, he’s making a serious, lifelong commitment and setting out on a noble path that will test not only his ability to cause severe, atomic wedgie-induced anal abrasions, but also his own psychological and physical fortitude. If you’re looking to become part of that elite class of specialized cunt holes, you’re gonna need to come to grips with a couple very sobering facts . . .


First off, you’re not just going to be a bully, you’re going to be an artist – a sculptor molding all that soft, nerdy clay into the next generation of billionaires. Or coprophagic serial child murderers, it depends on how good a job you do. And, if you want to do a good job, you have to be ready to devote all of yourself to the pure and exacting disciplines known as sadistic emotional torment and physical punishment so severe that it causes incontinence. Don’t start what you can’t finish. You’re gonna have to bring you’re A-game to this showdown, motherfucker.

NNNERRRRRRRRDSS!!!

The fact that you’ve got your own ass to look out for is a relatively new obstacle facing the modern dork-puncher, which brings me to the second sobering fact: With all the internet loopholes these ubergeeks exploit nowadays, they’ve got unprecedented access to guns and ammunition. Plus they’re often all brainy and/or industrious. Combine the desire for revenge with a gifted chemistry student or an avid reader of guerrilla warfare methodology, and you’ve run into a pickle and a half, let me tell you. A bully has got to watch his back these days, man. We as a society can’t afford a bunch of dead bullies either. We’re gonna need people to grow up and become cops, after all. So, a more refined approach to spaz-pummeling must be adopted; and that’s what this brief guide is all about. Abide by the advice below and you’re sure to become the best geek-beater you can be.    

- Selecting Your Own Loser . . .

May have also been on some doctor show

Picking the poor little shit you’re going to be creating a specially-tailored hell for is the first and, arguably, the most important step in blossoming as a world-class totem of fear. Knowing who to avoid is an invaluable trait that even the most insipidly dense, meat-headed asshole can master without much trouble. First, no retards. While it may be tempting and  hilarious to harass a mental defective, it’s something you should only do on occasion. Let’s say, for example, that your regular target – the unfortunate little dungeon master you’ve been priming for a really vicious stomping – is absent; maybe ‘cause he tried to kill himself or some other lame-ass bullshit. In this situation, taking shots at the Down syndrome kid who eats pencil shavings can really help to keep you sharp. Back off after the first or second seizure though, ‘cause that shit can be a serious bummer.     

- Use the Buddy System . . .

Awright, whoooo's NEXT!?

A bully should always have a default accomplice -- someone to sneer, wring their hands and giggle like a snotty troll whenever the alpha-bully delivers a real, primo ass-beating; or an expertly timed “I fucked your mom in the ass while your dad watched” line. There is a fringe benefit to having a sidekick, however. Two words: human shield. If your quivering nerd target happens to lose his fucking gourd, your fat-ass toadie can absorb the first bursts of gunfire while you make a beeline for the Mustang your parents bought you. Sidekicks (some bullies prefer the less showy but possibly fucking gay term, partner, but I advise against it) can be coached in basic fill-in or second-string bullying as well . . . If you happen to take ill – like, say, by catching the clap from one of your mom’s hot, botoxed, slut friends from the golf course, with the newly restructured vagina – you can make sure your faggy little victim doesn’t catch a break. By seeing to it that your less-skilled-though-easily-manipulated crony focuses on some simple, key elements of your haranguing repertoire, you’re doing the best you can in assuring the mincing little Jedi-wannabe you make cry every day won’t enjoy an undeserved respite.        

- A Note On Forced Sodomy . . .

I should stop here to address a frequently unearthed topic . . . Anally raping your victim is almost always taboo these days. It is only natural, however, for any practiced tormenter of the weak to want to forcibly penetrate a given victim’s anus. It’s not weird at all, so don’t think that. In fact, this method of torment, psychological scarification, and overall domination is used constantly throughout the grand Meccas of bullydom known as the United States federal and state prison systems.

What you’re probably thinking now is something like, ‘if it’s good enough for convicts, then isn’t it good enough for me?’ and the answer to that question is a resounding ‘yes.’ However,  prison rape – while totally rad and effective – is okay in prison, but not in most schools. Even the sullen, withdrawn and emotionally defeated tend to raise some red flags after being sodomized . . . Parents and teachers sometimes notice the outward symptoms of recent anal trauma; and this is bad for you and bad for bullies in general. Anally raping some wimpy geek is a felony and felonies are pretty effective speed bumps along your road to success. Sadly, the time of socially-tolerated anal rape has passed. So, if you gotta rape someone, stick to the unconscious cheerleaders.

- Suicide Means You Went Too Far . . .

The last thing you need is a dead kid whose death you caused. That sort of stigma doesn’t help your reputation with the ladies; and any respectable bully needs a steady stream of hot, brainless, gum-smacking pussy attached to his short leash; unless you want to be one of those smelly, hairy, wallet-chained bullies that the high-class bullies make fun of. And no one really wants to be one of those.

So, if some loser kills himself and you are perceived as having at least partly contributed to the death, you’re gonna find yourself running into some pretty trying social obstacles. For example, everyone knows that pretending to give a shit about some prancing nancy-boy hanging himself in an attic is a great way to boost one’s overall social status. It’s very cool to have known a dead kid – especially if the dead kid offed himself. However, being the guy who mercilessly tortured the dead kid will only garner the scorn and contempt of your fellow awesome people – even if those awesome people thought you were awesome back when you were telling the now-dead loser his mom’s pussy tasted like clams casino.

In short, you’re gonna wanna jump on the “I knew the dead kid” bandwagon, and you won’t find a spot on that hay ride if you helped kill the guy.   

. . . Unless Suicide Is What You Were Going For . . .

If you’re trying to push some poor, skinny little jerk-off into the abyss, you should definitely make your intentions clear. Be sure to let everyone know that you’re trying to make the little sap kill himself; then, following the self-extermination, you will surely be raised up and carried as would a bejeweled sheik atop the shoulders of your contemporaries. Through the hallways, you’ll be paraded as an idol of forceful determination and unrelenting dominance. Just remember, you’ve got to announce beforehand that you’re going to instigate a suicide. Then everything will come up roses . . . If you can get a shout-out in the suicide note, that would really be something. 

If you're gonna do something, do it the RIGHT way . . .

- Avoid Asians . . .

King of Karate

This is a simple precaution to remember – after all, it’s hard to miss some kinda Chinese kid. But, this guideline is as crucial to your well-being as it is easy to recall. It’s a known scientific fact that all Chinese-type people are born with karate. You don’t wanna piss-off some little Bruce Lee motherfucker. Not only would this be a humiliating and instantaneous end to your reign as a bully, but it would also hurt a lot; and getting hurt sucks. Frankly, I’m not sure how those nerds deal with it.

- Harassing The Obese . . .

- Will never know true love . . .

Fatties have always been easy targets. In your younger bullying days – perhaps at the elementary school level – the chunkos were probably your bread and extra butter. There has never been a shortage of gross, jiggly fatsos. But you’re older now, you’re more focused and you’re looking to make a career of specialized, discriminatory harassment. In other words, you’re looking to better yourself. Well, then, forget about the lardos, they’re lives suck enough as it is. Toss them to those part-time jackals making pig jokes in the lunch line. The land-whales are cop-outs and they’ll never be truly happy anyway. Forget about ‘em, ‘cause you’ve got some serious work to do.    

- Icing The Vomit Cake . . .

If you’re looking to really make an impression as a bully, you’re going to want to develop some signature moves; and there’s no better place to utilize a signature move than during the final stage of a beating. Naturally, beatings must be administered carefully and sparingly, as over-beating can lead to arrest or drastic defense measures. To be clear, the real art of bullying lies in the sophisticated psychological and emotional attack; but a well-placed beating will be imperative to maintaining a certain, necessary and consistent level of terror. Two specific tips to keep in mind when throttling some little queer include – but are in no way limited to – avoid the face and try to make them puke . . .

Breaking a kid’s nose or knocking out some teeth; splitting a lip open or blackening an eye or two . . . These things will only draw unwelcome attention from authority figures. So remember, keep it in the guts and the nuts. Not only does being struck in  these two key areas hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, both can induce violent vomiting, which can be very traumatic and awesome to look at. Plus, punching someone in the dick will not leave any obvious marks.

It’s recommended in the as-of-yet-unpublished School Bully’s Handbook that, during the aforementioned pain-induced vomiting, the skilled and attentive bully will enact his signature. A signature can be anything from urinating on the retching loser to miming sodomy. Just be sure to drop the bomb while they’re throwing up, this will increase the victim’s level of crying by an astounding and hilarious factor.

Remain perfectly still whilst I shower you.

Some rookies often mistake soaring acts of grotesqueness for excellent signature ideas . . . For instance, shitting on some nerd as he’s doubled over in agony my seem like a stroke of vicious genius, but this odorous move can backfire disastrously. For one thing, noticing from afar that someone is shitting on a person is not so hard to do, while urination can be camouflaged with casual body language (sure, your dick’s out, but those people standing behind you don’t have to know). Also, dropping a deuce on someone’s neck is not only horrifying for the victim, but it also provides him with a very effective chunk of weaponry. Sure, the little bitch has got to touch the poop to throw it at you, but it was already sitting on his neck, so, when it’s down to brass tacks, it's not that big a leap. And, when the enraged dweeb finally snaps and grabs your shit and hurls it at you, you’re going to be in a very vulnerable position – squatting with your pants down, to be exact. Then, if you’re actually struck by a dollop of feces, you’re gonna lose your fucking mind and beat the hell out of that disrespectful little cunt; and then you’re gonna get shit all over the inside of your pants ‘cause you weren’t done shitting. It’s a bad scene altogether, so just keep it simple. Signatures should be logistically basic yet effective. Here are a few suggestions (recall that we’ve already covered sodomy-miming and urination):

- Rally the crowd that has inevitably gathered around the beating into collectively spitting on the prostrate dork.
- Start a catchy and humiliating chant, rhyming the victim’s name with something awful.
- Try bringing some dog shit to school in a resealable plastic sandwich bag. After the merciless thumping, toss the shit on the writhing nerd (this way, you get to use shit without taking the shit).
- If you’ve eaten a good amount beforehand, chug some soda (for extra color) and force yourself to vomit on the felled  loser.
- Use a stealthily-hidden battery-operated electric razor to shave awkward portions of the victim’s head.

Now, at this point, if these suggestions seem like disgusting and unnecessary acts of cruelty . . . Well, then maybe you’re some kind of pussy loser dork. Fuck you, nerd. Go fill out a character sheet or something. Fag.

In closing, being a bully is not only a serious undertaking, it is also a taxing personal journey – something that, if approached carefully, will garner the utmost respect and admiration. Bullies are a vital link in the social food chain; and, in order to be a strong link in that chain, you’ve got to commit to becoming the biggest, most effective and efficient debasing dick-bag you can be.

Good luck, and go scar some fruits!

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