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Published August 19, 2009 More Info »
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Published August 19, 2009

It's a friday night at the Sigma Sigma Sigma Phi Phag frat party and you're HAMMERED. I'm talking like 10 Jager shots, 2 cannonballs, 3 Keystone Lights, a gyro, some cheetos, and a 15 second keg stand.  The room is spinning along with the all the fine ass ivy league poonany that's floating around.  Now that you've drank yourself courageous, it's time to prey on a chick that will become a mantle piece on your penis tip.  The only problem is which one to choose.  There's always the kinda chubby girl who always gets shitfaced and has low self esteem, the prude blonde girl who only sucks penis(*still a plus), and the always trustworthy quasi good looking girl with big boobs because she used to be fat like 3 years ago in high school.  Tonight is different though....tonight you want some grade A rump roast to marinate in your dick juice.  As the party weens down to the usual future alcoholics and frat bros that live there, you start thinking that just a BJer ain't so bad, and then, a beautiful brunette with vomit encrusted on her tits and hair comes stumbling out of the bushes missing a stiletto and utterly disheveled. WE HAVE A WINNER! So you throw down some mack game about your 2004 Celica with the spoiler on it and how you have an 80GB ipod with all the American Pie flicks on it. She takes the bait and is boarding the boner train all the way to cumsville, but....looks can be deceiving.

Back at your pad(aka your older brother's garage he lets you crash at) shit is getting hot.  Real hot. Like crack pipe hot.  No more than 10 minutes after arriving she is already topless and bouncing her boobs around your face like she is trying to knock you out in the third round.  Her breath smells like puke, salad, Virginia Slims, and multiple forms of liquor. Your breath is no better so its all systems go.  You guys are sucking face like your trying to tear out each others facial features and then the pants a-come-off.  It's everything you had hoped would happen at the beginning of your night: get shitty, meet a shitty girl, and have shitty sex.  You're on top riding her like a mechanical bull at a dirty Mexican bar and it's all running smooth until....things get a bit odd.  She is staring at you with a fire in her eyes that eerily reminds you of Charles Manson...but with tits and a wet vag.  All of a sudden it comes out: "Choke me, uh, choke me, uh, CHOKE ME!" she says like a willing participant to rape.  Weirded out, you oblige by gently putting your hands around her throat like she has lepersy on her neck.  "DON'T BE A BITCH! UH UH UH! CHOKE ME! SQEEZE THE LIFE OUT OF ME!" she screams between breathing heavily.  Shit has gotten pretty fucking out there....like part-of-the-porno-section-that-is-used-for-police-profiling out there.  You kindly decline and realize, quickly, that this is not an option.  She wants to be asphyixiated and she ain't taking no for an answer.  

  You are backed into a corner: don't choke her and she leaves you with the bluest of balls or you give her a little squeeze on the larnyx.  At this point, not finishing is not an option for you so you put some pressure on her.  The shit that is coming out of this girls mouth would make Andrew Dice Clay look like a road scholar turned nun turned community activist.  "Fuck my pussy like you own it!" ,"Bite tit and rip off my nipple!", "UH....FUCK YOUR GRANDMOTHER!" Crazy shit.  At this point you just want to finish and get the Takashi Miike of casual sex out of your pad.  So you are stroking harder than you have ever stroked....im talking Tiger Woods on a par four hole stroke.  As you're just about ready to blow a goop, you tighten up on her neck without knowing.  She's loving it. "OH YEA! SQEEZE ME LIKE A GO-GURT, BITCH!" she says while on the verge of climax.  You feel your grip on her neck tightening......tighter....tighter.  Just when you are ready to bust a sloppy liquid baby on her...as you grip as tight as you can on her neck....she pushes you off, cleans her roast beef hole out with your shirt and says, "Alright, so a half an hour....that's gonna be $150." 

To quote the 20th century poet Mark Hoppus of Blink 182: "So when you see her standing there/with green eyes and long blonde hair/she won't be wearing underwear/ and you'll discover this girl's not the one." NO SHIT MARK! THAT'S BECAUSE SHE IS A CLEVER HOOKER WITH AN AGENDA AND A BIG JAMAICAN PIMP NAMED RAJASTAFARIWEED!  So the next time you're tryingt get your hang low dampened, I suggest you avoid vomit covered brunettes who magically appear out of bushes outside of frat parties. 

The predator soon becomes the prey....and the balls become the darkest of blues.

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