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9 Funny Votes
3 Die Votes
359 Views
Published May 21, 2012

I am not a fan of Facebook.  Even more, I am not a fan of useless Facebook shit.  No, I don't want to water your plants, play words, or run some sort of restaurant with you. I certainly don't want to "poke" you whatever that means.

Yet everyday millions of people get online to do all of these things and worse,  tell us absolutely useless things about there horribly mundane lives.  I don't want to know what you had for dinner or what you think you may do today.  I don't give a fuck.

The sad part is.....so many of you stupid fucks do.  You can't wait to get online and see that it's "Nap Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (I don't know how you can sleep when you are so excited) for Jenny and give her a "Like", or a witty, "Don't let the bed bugs bite :)" reply.

How can you honestly wake up in the morning and RUN to your Facebook account to type "Just woke up, ready for breakfast!"  Guess what genius, it's 8am and 5 million other fucks just woke up too.  This isn't news or interesting, yet BOOM right below that post is another asshole with "Ugh, You're so lucky, I've been up since 5 :(".

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  All of you.  This is the absolute unquestioned biggest waste of time I can think of in the world. The biggest reward is when stupid pieces of shit lose their jobs because they HAVE to run to Facebook to say how much they hate their job or boss.

So in order to try and improve things, I am going to give you 5 tips for posting on Facebook:

  1. Thoughts: Just because you have a thought, doesn't mean you should type it.  In fact, don't type any of your thoughts. Ever. You are not interesting or funny.
  2. Kids: No one thinks your kids are cute and funny.  In fact most people probably think your kids are annoying.  Stop telling me that Susie has a piano recital, or Jimmy was up all night.  If I gave a shit about Susie's recital, I would've been there.
  3. Sports: Two things. First, don't post "UK National Champs Baby!!" as your status when you haven't watched a game all year except for the championship.  It screams that you are desperately trying to be a part of what's cool.  You wouldn't have cared if they lost, so don't act like you do if they win.  It's transparent and sad.  Second, I am not poor so I have a smartphone,  TV and computer with satellite and internet.  If I need a sports update, I can watch it on ESPN or look it up online.  
  4. Events: I don't care if you are having a party or that "hubby made ribs" for the party.    All I really think when I see you threw a party is, why in the hell are you telling me about a party that you didn't invite me to asshole.
  5. Birthdays: If I care about you, I will call you on your birthday or send an actual card.  I will not put an informal happy birthday on your wall.  All that tells me is that you are a person who thinks so little of me that you will do the least amount of work possible to prove it.

In summary, if you are so lonely and crave attention so badly go become a stripper.  Just remember, nobody wants to hear what a stripper has to say either. 

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