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August 10, 2012

Physicists recently found evidence of the Higgs-Bison particle- which some have tagged the "God" particle. No one knows if this refers to an Old Testament God which means it is a revengeful judgmental particle, or a New Testament God which means it is a groovy and peace-loving particle. What's the difference? Believe me, it matters.

        Physicists claim they have found evidence of the Higgs-Bison particle, which supposedly explains why we have mass. Do they mean "mass" as in the liturgy of the Roman Catholic Church in which small circles of unleavened bread are transformed into the body of Jesus, because if science can explain that I am completely captivated. Or does this "mass" refer to our nation's obesity epidemic, the cause of which is hardly a mystery we need science to unravel. A look at the lines of Chic-Fil-A customers exercising their God-given right to protest other people standing up for their rights by way of eating delicious fried chicken sandwiches and waffle fries (which should be served with a side of Lipitor) will answer any lingering questions we have about where that mass is coming from. 

   Another possiblity is that this "mass" refers to murder. Since the Higgs-Bison research went public, there has been a mass shooting in some public place - like the movies or Afghanistan - every week. There may be no connection between these events.Michelle Bachman may have the inside track on this, considering her direct line to God (both Testaments).  I do not know the ways of the universe. I am just asking questions.

     The most troubling question about the "God" particle is: Old Testament God or New Testament God?  Two totally different types of God. Old Testament God is harsh, punitive, slave-loving, women-hating, (allegedly) gay-condemning, and war-promoting. Yes, that God also created the sun, the earth, the birds of the sky, all the animals and human beings. Judaism has an exquisite handle on what the Old Testament stories mean and a philosophy about healing the world and if an Old Testament Higgs-Bison lines up with that things might work out. But Old Testament God also threw the first family out of paradise and later on flooded the entire planet like a vindictive landlord who refuses to negotiate with tenants when they complain - quite legitimately - about the conditions in which they live. New Testament God is peace-promoting, has a much better feeling about women in general than Old Testament God, wants people to care for others who are suffering and be generous to the poor. The New Testament stories do not end well, however for the stories' hero (SPOILER ALERT: he dies). I'm certainly not saying I love everything about the New Testament God's guilt-inducing, get-over-yourself prodding to be a better person, but it matters what kind of God this Higgs-Bison represents. Because a New Testament God particle might finally, at long last, put Pat Robertson and his organization out of business. Thanks, Science!

My interest in physics goes back to my initial discovery of Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Actually, he called it a "Special" Theory of Relativity and I knew the special was for people like me, who understand that relativity is the sexiest of all theories, with references to “gravitational attraction between bodies in space” or “a universe of two.” My theory is that Einstein’s first experiment was using these as pick-up lines with women in Viennese bars. Science is free to check that out.