First off, it’s GREAT to be here! As happens every Christmas, I’ve been hauled out of the attic with the rest of the wreaths and decorations for my six weeks of life. I spend the other 44 weeks in storage, so you can imagine how nice is it to stretch my legs and take a warm shower.
Here’s the thing — (and I’m really not trying to cause trouble so please tell me if I am) it would be INCREDIBLE if, when Christmas is over, you guys didn’t put me back in the attic. It’s just that I have a wife and child and stuff so it would be really cool if I could exist as a human being outside of the Christmas season. I know this is a big ask cause like why am I any better than tinsel or mistletoe but it’s seriously my ONLY wish this year.
The thing about the attic is … it’s really dark and scary up there. Cause you don’t even let me walk around. I’m in one of those clear bins from The Container Store along with the Christmas bulbs and leftover wrapping paper. I get super hungry and there’s nothing to eat except some loose candy canes, which, let’s be honest, aren’t good. They look really nice on a tree but, as my sole form of sustenance, they are the world’s worst candy and they also get super sharp and cut up my mouth. My mouth is my moneymaker!! I need that in IN TACT so I can warble all those holiday tunes like the puppet I am.
Again, if I’m overstepping any boundaries or asking too much, I’ll just shut my beautiful, soulful trap. I realize Amy Grant only gets to come out at Christmas, too, and she seems perfectly content. I know I’m not better than Amy Grant!! But if you could find it in your heart to even let me stay outside till February, it would mean so much. I’ve never been able to celebrate Valintimees Day (sp??) with my wife and I know it would mean a lot to her if I could make one. There’s also something called “shorts” that I’m dying to try! (But I know that’s a summer thing — again, even getting to stay out through February would be amazing.)
So I guess just let me know?? If you need to find me I’ll be performing Christmas Classics at The Beacon Theater for the next 10 days. (Twenty-four hours a day too, so if you stop by, I’ll definitely be there.) After that, it’s back in the attic. And, not trying to tug on your heartstrings, but it’s not like a bear where I’m in hibernation up there. I’m awake the entire time except it’s pitch black and I always have an itch I can’t reach cause it’s so cramped. Plus I live in a 10-month pile of my own piss and shit. (Again — my problem, not yours.)
Merry Christmas and hope to make it to New Year’s!