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September 15, 2011

Upset that you never get invited to holiday barbecue?  Me too!  

Don’t worry, friend, because the WEBER GENESIS E-310 GAS GRILL is here to change all that!  This is the new benchmark for luxury outdoor grilling technology so throw you own barbeque and have them come to you!  

This optional liquid propane or natural gas grill can reach tempuratures of up to 38,000 BTU giving your backyard the cooking power of a restaurant kitchen, there’s no way anybody wouldn’t RSVP with a confident “Yes!” to a holiday barbeque at my house, especially after they see those handmade invitations I spent all night making written on the back of the court stenographers’ transcription of my most recent custody proceedings!

Daddy loves you, David.

I can’t wait until I see the look on my neighbors faces when they get a bite of those tasty burgers I’m going to be grilling up on those porcelain-enameled cast iron cooking grates.

 If there’s two things I know how to do well, it’s grilling and fucking and trust me when I say that you’re going to need a Wet-Nap after both.  

Maybe you sent a special invitation to a special woman.  Maybe it’s someone you’ve had a secret crush on for many months now.  Maybe it’s your son David’s piano teacher, Ms. Bebe Ann Dunbarr?  Is it?  Well, a gentleman never tells so it looks like I’m going to have to plead the fifth on that one.

Beethoven’s fifth that is!

I am totally having sex with my son David’s piano teacher.  We recently made love on top of David’s practice baby grand. I fucked her from behind through a tear in her stockings until the sweat from my animal ramming made the eye make-up stream down her face and I pressed the back of her head into my 600 thread count sheets to reveal an inky fuck Rorschach blot painted with the warpaint of our sexuality.  

I told her I thought it looked like a butterfly and then we came loud enough to make God remember we still exist.

I know she’ll never respect me but I’m going to fuck her until she loves me and I cannot wait to break her heart.  

Happy Fourth of July, America.  Keep your prick veins rigid with the red blood of FREEDOM. 

- Dan Dringle